My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.
Me to son: Go pick up your room.
Son: I can’t.
Me: And why not?
Son: Because it’s too heavy!
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
What did the Kansas City Chiefs quarterback say when he saw his real estate properties go up in flames?
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
Went to go pick my glasses up from SpecSavers today and you’ll never guess who I bumped into!
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
How do meteorologists go up a mountain
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
Why did the mycologist go up into the hills?
He wanted to find the morel high ground.
My child came up to me and asked where her shoes were because she didn't want to go outside with barefeet
"BEAR FEET?!?! I only have human feet", I replied
A friend of mine, who is always up for pranks, asked if I wanted to go fishing with him
- I don't know, whats the catch?
I have a great business idea but i need someone to help me. I go to the toilet and you tie up bits of string.
It can only go up from here
When you mess up on the first go but you have a good recovery
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
Whenever I find a difficult level on a game I give up and go search for a walkthrough in order to clear it.
I really should get past this phase.
I find with the weather heating up, whether I stay inside or go outside...
I’m getting Spring Fever.
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
The people who actually show up to the Area 51 raid are really gonna go out with a bang.
Every morning at 3am, I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s why they call it the wee hours of the morning.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and I didn’t show up.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
My grandfather used to wake up very early every morning to go sailing.
When I asked him why so early, he replied with "the schooner, the better!"
A wife asked her husband to go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread
“If they have eggs, get a dozen” she said. A half hour later, the husband comes home with 12 loaves of bread
I sprained my back while trying to see how low I could go, but there's nobody around to help me up.
“Son, go clean the attic.” “But dad, theres asbestos up there!”
“Just clean it as-best-os you can.”
Source: my dad
I went to go and pick up my girlfriend from her house...
Her dad: I want her home before 10.
Me: But don't you already own her home?
Her dad: ...
Me: ...
Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say
"Was it all fun and games up until that point?"
I will be flying for the first time so I looked up different airlines. Can anyone tell me if I should go with this airline?
Johnny is in class learning about animals and the teacher asks, “can anyone tell me what other name for dwarf goats go by?” Johnny’s hand shot up:
About the time I dressed up as a harp to go to a costume party
Another party attendee challenged me, saying "no way is your costume a harp".
I replied, ">!So, are you calling me a lyre?!<"
I think when motorcyclists go up on one wheel, it’s wheelie cool
My son told me he wants to go to the moon when he grows up
“What are you, a lunartic?”
"Soup on the Go" so I cooped it up
Somebody needs to remember to go wake up that guy from Green Day tomorrow.
A guy walks up to his son and says,"Son, if you don't stop touching yourself, you will go blind."
Son says,"Dad, I'm over here."
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
There are 2 reasons I don't go into stand up comedy
1 is that I prefer sitting down. The other is that I'm not funny
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
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