Downloaded film Titanic for the family to watch this evening. Annoyingly Video and Sound has come across in separate files.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
I toiled for hours trying to come up with a good joke about airplanes.
In the end, I felt like the punchline would just go over everybody's head.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
I was told to come up with a pun about my surroundings...
I was sitting down, so all the puns I thought of were chairrible
How Come You Never See Elephants Hiding In Trees?
Because there really good at it
Jesus told Peter, "Come forth and ye shall have eternal life"
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
I come from a musical house
I pulled a muscle while trying to come up with some synonyms.
I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.
I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
How come you can never hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
What do you call when you come across a lizard and a parrot?
Somebody should come up with a name for when the sun goes down
I’m gonna call it a night
I tried to come up with a new name for vanishing cream.
But it just resulted in Dissap-ointment.
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
When it comes to climate activists,
there's no one Greta than Thunberg.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs
Where do baby snowmen come from?
If you are Russian when headed to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
I can't believe chickens haven't come up with a new sound yet
Maybe they should start thinking outside the bawks
Will the Coronavirus shot come with a wedge of lime?
I'm trying to come up with a good tree pun
What comes to your door and helps you see far?
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Which question can come to first, but never last?
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
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