When you order a clock online and it arrives
π︎ 28
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
When did Christopher Columbus arrive in the USA?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
βIβm a turtle,β he says.
βOh... whoβs on your back?β
βThatβs Michelle,β he replies.
π︎ 144
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
What transformer is made out of cardboard box and arrives in two days?
π︎ 69
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
Why was the electrician happy to arrive at his house after work?
Because thereβs no place like ohm.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
What does fall do when it arrives?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
What do you call a guy who always arrives on time
Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
do you know why police like to arrive early at riots?
They like to beat the crowd!!!!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
A detective arrives
11.45 : arrived at crime scene
11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle
11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain
11.45 : Realised watch was broken
.
.
.
.
.
My son: but this is not a dad joke.
Me : what is a day joke then?
My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Why do authors always arrive unannounced?
Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is βshow, donβt tellβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
Doctor *arrives late* sorry for the wait
Itβs okay, Iβm patient
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 11 2020
A man arrives at the hospital seconds after his wife gave birth to his son.
He was pronounced Dad On Arrival
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 25 2020
Tried getting ketchup but it takes the sausages to arrive.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 09 2019
Al Gore was tapping his foot impatiently while waiting for the elevator to arrive. The guy next to him said "Nice Algorithm!"
Al Gore responded: Al Gore take the stairs.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
βͺAn evil French chef mixes Kryptonite in their treats and flings them at Superman. Batman arrives on the scene but does nothing, allowing Jimmy Olsen to catch the pastries in a net, at which point Superman saves the day. Itβs like they say:
Not all heroes snare crepes.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 31 2019
I was waiting ages for my book on herb based erotica to arrive and it finally came today. Itβs about f***ing thyme.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
The second wife of King Henry VIII would never arrive in a room quickly....
She would just Anne Boleyn.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 21 2019
My uncle Bill's boss hates it when his pay day arrives
cuz he gotta pay the bill
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 27 2018
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 27 2017
What happened when the cannibal arrives late to the dinner party?
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 30 2018
A delivery man arrives at Chipotle
Delivery Man: Here's your queso guacamole
Manager: Is that a new flavor of guacamole?
Delivery Man: Nope it's just a case of it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 22 2018
Construction of the railroad would fall behind if the tie-truck didn't arrive soon
The workers hoped it would soon so they could get back on track
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 13 2018
What do you call a guy who arrives way too early for his rendezvous?
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 20 2018
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 18 2017
A boy arrives home from a long day at school
... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 10 2017
"Feel free to park in the driveway when you arrive
(not before tee hee π)"
Actual email from my dad from last weekend, including emoji.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 18 2017
I am practicing my dad jokes for when my newborn arrives
So my wife and I were talking about everybody loves Raymond and how sad it was that Dorris Robert's had past away.
My wife said, "did you know that all three kids were siblings in real life?"
I responded, "Well I knew the twins were related!"
She did not find it as amusing as I did.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 20 2016
What time does Sean Connery typically arrive at Wimbledon?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
π︎ 128
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
What time does Sean Connery arrive to a Wimbledon match?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 30 2019
A naked man arrives at a fancy dress party with a girl on his back.
βIβm a turtleβ he says
Oh...well whoβs that on your back then?
He replies, βThatβs Michelle...β
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jul 16 2018
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 28 2019
What time dose Sean Connery Arrive at Wimbledon
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 06 2018
What time dose Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 23 2018
When, roughly, does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 13 2017
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