When you order a clock online and it arrives

My time has come

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redmaxdog1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
When did Christopher Columbus arrive in the USA?

On Columbus day

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

β€œI’m a turtle,” he says. β€œOh... who’s on your back?” β€œThat’s Michelle,” he replies.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Safazz146
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What transformer is made out of cardboard box and arrives in two days?

Amazon Prime

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommygunz20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the electrician happy to arrive at his house after work?

Because there’s no place like ohm.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What does fall do when it arrives?

Leaves

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Innarhythm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who always arrives on time

Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eily146
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
do you know why police like to arrive early at riots?

They like to beat the crowd!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

About Tennish

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do authors always arrive unannounced?

Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is β€œshow, don’t tell”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor *arrives late* sorry for the wait

It’s okay, I’m patient

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicJ20
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man arrives at the hospital seconds after his wife gave birth to his son.

He was pronounced Dad On Arrival

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catoenailsoup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Tried getting ketchup but it takes the sausages to arrive.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Al Gore was tapping his foot impatiently while waiting for the elevator to arrive. The guy next to him said "Nice Algorithm!"

Al Gore responded: Al Gore take the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
β€ͺAn evil French chef mixes Kryptonite in their treats and flings them at Superman. Batman arrives on the scene but does nothing, allowing Jimmy Olsen to catch the pastries in a net, at which point Superman saves the day. It’s like they say:

Not all heroes snare crepes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atruthtellingliar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was waiting ages for my book on herb based erotica to arrive and it finally came today. It’s about f***ing thyme.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crippsyuk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The second wife of King Henry VIII would never arrive in a room quickly....

She would just Anne Boleyn.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/16fghji
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle Bill's boss hates it when his pay day arrives

cuz he gotta pay the bill

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0t__em
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him

Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....

He did not get it...

(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What happened when the cannibal arrives late to the dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brentobot
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A delivery man arrives at Chipotle

Delivery Man: Here's your queso guacamole

Manager: Is that a new flavor of guacamole?

Delivery Man: Nope it's just a case of it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoopsToops
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Construction of the railroad would fall behind if the tie-truck didn't arrive soon

The workers hoped it would soon so they could get back on track

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who arrives way too early for his rendezvous?

A Predateor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmoffitt15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
A boy arrives home from a long day at school

... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itslqb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report
"Feel free to park in the driveway when you arrive

(not before tee hee πŸ˜‚)"

Actual email from my dad from last weekend, including emoji.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KittenImmaculate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I am practicing my dad jokes for when my newborn arrives

So my wife and I were talking about everybody loves Raymond and how sad it was that Dorris Robert's had past away.

My wife said, "did you know that all three kids were siblings in real life?"

I responded, "Well I knew the twins were related!"

She did not find it as amusing as I did.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wings0fIcarus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2016
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery typically arrive at Wimbledon?

"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Corpsman223
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

About tennish.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bum-Sniffer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?

Because they like to beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplesofpie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery arrive to a Wimbledon match?

Tennish

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A naked man arrives at a fancy dress party with a girl on his back.

β€œI’m a turtle” he says

Oh...well who’s that on your back then?

He replies, β€œThat’s Michelle...”

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kcambridge35
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Ten-ish

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What time dose Sean Connery Arrive at Wimbledon

Ten-Ish

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SneakyBus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What time dose Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

10ish

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SneakyBus
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
When, roughly, does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon

Tennish

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beardedgeordie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report

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