My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
My wife threatened to leave me because she says I have a bad sense of direction..
So I packed my stuff and right.
You picked a fine time to leave me...
Why did the dog leave his wife
What can stab you and leave a cool refreshing feeling?
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
So, why did the astronaut leave his girlfriend?
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
I saw my neighbor leave her house to get bread...
A few months later, she came back and there was a bun in her oven.
Why can’t a boat leave from two places at once?
Because that involves a paradox.
When you leave the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...
That's called A-pasta-cy
I'm proud of that one. I originally posted it to r/cleanjokes
My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
I had nothing to do so I thought of personally mixing the small leaves of a low-growing aromatic plant of the mint family.
But I knew I’d end up with too much Thyme on my hands
I went to a Ford dealership the other day looking for a specific model. The salesman told me they didn’t have what I was looking for and that I wasn’t allowed to leave.
What did the rowdy guy in the yoga class say when the instructor asked him to leave?
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?
I’m having a hell of a time getting this yoga instructor to leave my house.
Every time I ask her to leave she just says “namaste.”
The Easter bunny didn't leave me anything.
I guess, he doesn't carrot at all.
What do you call an Irishman you can leave outside all night in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
What did Snoop Dogg say when asked to leave a yoga class?
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
My wife is threatening to leave me unless I grow up and stop playing games
How do you call a princess who leaves you on read?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
My therapist said I should leave my job as a keyboard tester.
She said it was too depressing.
My wife said she'll leave me, if I ever cheated on her.
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
Why did the scandinavian runner leave the race early?
I'm just going to leave it here
Just gonna leave this here...
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
What do you call a tree that has feathers instead of leaves?
My blonde aunt broke her leg raking leaves.
She fell out of the tree.
My wife threatened to leave me over my bad sense of direction... I beat her to it though.
I packed up my stuff and right!
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
I thought all the trees were broken when they lost their leaves this winter. They're starting to come back now though.
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