If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
How do librarians get out of sticky situations?
They pull the library card.
Why did Bruce Lee get scared by his cousin from Sudan? Because cousin SudanLee appeared out of nowhere.
The Inuit boy couldn't get out of doing his homework before dinner, despite his various excuses.
His parents were having Nunavut.
When the cast of Friends goes out on a boat, why does Phoebe always get put in charge of propulsion?
Because Lisa Kudrow (could row).
I just made that up yesterday at work after greeting a colleague with the same first name. Its original to me but feels obvious enough that I'm sure I'm not the first to think of it, especially after 20 years.
Medusa tried to get a job in the microbiology lab, but all her samples turned out badly.
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
Why did the Italian chef get locked out of his restaurant?
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
How do you get out of a conversation with the Easter Bunny?
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
As much as they tried, the ladies couldn't get Mr. Peanut out onto the dance floor.
He was a bit of a wall nut.
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
A priest in the woods has been attacked by a pack of wolves. In a moment of desperation, the priest started to ask God how to get out of this situation.
The wolves may be predators but he pray
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.
It was quite the brew-haha.
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.
"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
Which pasta gets locked out of the house? —Technically a wife joke.
I'm sorry, I couldn't get this out of my head
What cheese gets bears out of trees?
How did I get out of Iraq?
Someone pointed out my own comment I didn't get it at first.
How do you get a snail out of its shell?
Who always gets blamed for letting the farm animals out of their pens?
I get a thrill out of stealing kitchen utensils
In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.
How do you get out of an elephant?
You run around until you're all pooped out!
How do you get 100 rowdy Canadians out of the pool?
What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
My wife asked me when I thought I was going to get out of bed
Told her I would sleep on it
I figured out how to get over someone
Now i know this usually isnt the subreddit to post this, but I met this dude here and i don’t know how else to reach him. We talked for a small bit and he told me he wanted to kill himself over a girl that left him, so if you’re reading this please know that if you still need to get over her: use a ladder
They never told me that getting older mad eeverything hurt when you get out of bed
I guess that’s why it’s called being a groan-up
I told my wife I thought all cats were out to get me
She said “Don’t be silly, you’re just purranoid”
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
