I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 580
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down ??

It gets "toad" away

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.

This is because concrete floors are really hard.

πŸ‘︎ 825
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'

Until I fell into a printing press.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Ain’t nothing but a heart break
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punk_Rasputin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we tell actors to β€œbreak a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because there's always a cast

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ploopy_R
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...

...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
I don't seem to have the enthusiasm to break wind like I used to

In fact, the last few were very half-farted

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xAnxietyPrimex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
When can card games break the laws of thermodynamics?

When it's Solid-air

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wholesome_cream
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Why do so many people break off addictions the day after Thanksgiving?

There's a lot of cold turkey to go around.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastGhost18
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
No one at my party was able to break the clown piΓ±ata.

IT was hard.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't they ever charge Santa for break and enter?

They can never find probable Clause

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NateTheSimpleOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the musician say on commercial break?

Stay tuned

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fish break up with his shrimp gf?

He just thought she was a little shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm in big trouble, you guys. I bought a set of fake pushpins and put them by the bulletin board in the IRS break room.

Now I'm wanted for tacks fraud.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we say break a leg in the theatre?

Its because everyone in the play is in a cast

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akien0222
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me 5 years ago, and today I asked to break up...

When she left, she gave back the $100 exactly. I lost interest in that relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 506
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TitchBits0019
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they say β€œbreak a leg” in theatre?

Because every play has a cast

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?

So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodd19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Who do you call when you break your toe?

A tow truck

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/captaincapsaycin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half?

That's mitosis

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRedGandalf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you break down the gates to the Cookie Castle?

With a batter-ing ram to do it all at once, or you can chocolate chip away at it for a long time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Girl: I need a break, give me some space...

Boy: Okay, what's your Volume?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarvashaktiman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when the vehicle carrying most of the Egyptian gods breaks down?

They have to pull over and wait for Anubis.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Foxadelick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop β€œgive me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...

β€œSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do Chinese Chefs go to after their break?

Back to wok

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CriticalBiscuits
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Snoop Dogg met with an Accident.What did he break.

His joint

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amru_263
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
[At the restaurant] Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break

I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What bone does a musician break?

His trombone

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rekker_dekker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Best time to break out the backup cheese?

In queso emergency.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KGAS-12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife decided today would be a good day for her water to break.

It's Labor Day.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?

A miner inconvenience

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustHumanGarbage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bishboshTV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: β€œUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”

β€œThat was pepper spray.”

Got me!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorescittmore
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Warning: when you host a lobster race, all shell can break loose
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maddawg90
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyC5184
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
why do we tell actors to break a leg?

because every play has a cast!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBreadLol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when a frog's car breaks?

It gets toad.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Herbixx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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