I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 581
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2021
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I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'

Until I fell into a printing press.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.

This is because concrete floors are really hard.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 827
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
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[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 228
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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Ain’t nothing but a heart break
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Punk_Rasputin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 18 2020
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Why do we tell actors to β€œbreak a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 138
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2020
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After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...

...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/td941
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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I don't seem to have the enthusiasm to break wind like I used to

In fact, the last few were very half-farted

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xAnxietyPrimex
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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When can card games break the laws of thermodynamics?

When it's Solid-air

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wholesome_cream
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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Why do so many people break off addictions the day after Thanksgiving?

There's a lot of cold turkey to go around.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ToastGhost18
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2020
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Why don't they ever charge Santa for break and enter?

They can never find probable Clause

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NateTheSimpleOne
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 19 2020
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No one at my party was able to break the clown piΓ±ata.

IT was hard.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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What did the musician say on commercial break?

Stay tuned

πŸ‘οΈŽ 56
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 15 2020
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I'm in big trouble, you guys. I bought a set of fake pushpins and put them by the bulletin board in the IRS break room.

Now I'm wanted for tacks fraud.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fish break up with his shrimp gf?

He just thought she was a little shellfish.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 23 2020
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Why do we say break a leg in the theatre?

Its because everyone in the play is in a cast

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/akien0222
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2020
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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me 5 years ago, and today I asked to break up...

When she left, she gave back the $100 exactly. I lost interest in that relationship.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 504
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TitchBits0019
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 16 2020
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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2020
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Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 12 2020
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Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror?

So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bodd19
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2020
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Who do you call when you break your toe?

A tow truck

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/captaincapsaycin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 10 2020
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What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half?

That's mitosis

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheRedGandalf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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How do you break down the gates to the Cookie Castle?

With a batter-ing ram to do it all at once, or you can chocolate chip away at it for a long time.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 22 2020
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What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 08 2020
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Girl: I need a break, give me some space...

Boy: Okay, what's your Volume?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarvashaktiman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 11 2020
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What happens when the vehicle carrying most of the Egyptian gods breaks down?

They have to pull over and wait for Anubis.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Foxadelick
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2020
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Why did the woman break up with the man that had 5 pairs of legs?

He brought tension to the relationship

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AceMcSqueezy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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What happens when a frog's car breaks?

It gets toad.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Herbixx
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 15 2020
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Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop β€œgive me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...

β€œSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2020
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Where do Chinese Chefs go to after their break?

Back to wok

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CriticalBiscuits
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 11 2020
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Snoop Dogg met with an Accident.What did he break.

His joint

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Amru_263
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 24 2020
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I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break

I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MokshK
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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What bone does a musician break?

His trombone

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rekker_dekker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 07 2020
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Best time to break out the backup cheese?

In queso emergency.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KGAS-12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2020
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My wife decided today would be a good day for her water to break.

It's Labor Day.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2020
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What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?

A miner inconvenience

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JustHumanGarbage
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 22 2020
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My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: β€œUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”

β€œThat was pepper spray.”

Got me!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gorescittmore
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 02 2020
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If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I break every bed I lie down on...

Guess I must be a heavy sleeper

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/oil_moon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Warning: when you host a lobster race, all shell can break loose
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/maddawg90
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they say β€œbreak a leg” in theatre?

Because every play has a cast

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
why do we tell actors to break a leg?

because every play has a cast!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrBreadLol
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast

πŸ‘οΈŽ 78
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JohnnyC5184
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
[At the restaurant] Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bishboshTV
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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