It's a joint effort
Asphalt (My dads been telling this one since I was 12, never heard it anywhere else 😂)
I’m such a egghead
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
To be honest it’s a massive plane in the arse
“Good thing you’re not an egg!”
...it looks spack-tacular.
She said "transaction denied, insufficient buns."
Because it does not feel right.
I’m clean now.
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “
She threw things at me
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
and no pun in 10 did
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why are plumbers scared of heights?
They are afraid they will plunge to their death.
they say he hit a new lo, mein.
I told him I was having a mantle breakdown.
I told my friend and he said that couldn’t have been the case.
Its my fault.
Me: If that’s the case, it’s like there’s no crack at all. (This is an actual exchange)
As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"
Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....
She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.
While we were working together, I passed some gas. This conversation immediately followed:
Dad: Did you say something?
Me: No, but there is an asshole behind me talking shit.
Apparently he had never heard this joke, and he couldn't stop laughing for a good minute. It's usually pretty hard to get him to laugh. But we both love lame jokes and it really surprised me he has never heard it.
I know it's probably not a dad joke per se, but Dad/Grandfather to my child was involved so it should still count.
TLDR: farted and said "there's an asshole behind me talking shit"
except every seven years, when all they do is word play.
It's called Pun Farr.
"Why do divers fall backwards off the boat?"
"I don't know, why?"
"Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
I love you, dad, but Jesus...
Not wanting anyone to be in danger, the town called in two investigators to check and see if the gas would be a hazard to the people nearby. The investigators took all their equipment and began to check if the gas would react to anything. They tested for common gases after taking small samples but none of them had a major presence. Undaunted the investigators pushed on and tried for rarer and rarer gases but found nothing. After hours and hours of checking and turning up no reactions, one investigator turned to the other and said, “Maybe the gasses are gone.”
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Way too fucking hoppy
The crack attic
Sister: "Where will we get it (referring to the windshield) fixed"
Dad: "In the front of the car, ofcourse"
It's a very bad joke, but at least I now know my dad is 100% a father.
So, I'm about to eat breakfast at my parents. I ask what kind of bread everyone wants. My mom says, "I like the dill rye bread." My dad replies, "that's because it's made of dill dough!" And they both start laughing hysterically. My parents, ladies and gentlemen. 37 years together and she still finds him funny.
My 13 year old daughter's new boyfriend is named Brennan.
I keep calling him Brendon.
Every time, she replies "Dad, there is no D! It's BRENNAN. NO D! Got it?!?"
And I am just thinking to myself "Good, Good...let's keep it that way."
My dad said "decay."
Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.
I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.
He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.
Dad senses m... keep reading on reddit ➡
The father of dad jokes
"Ya know, if they put out a warrant for your arrest for stealing those potatoes you would be on the yam."
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped prison?
The headline read "small medium at large."
My mom walked into the living room, exhaled, and said, "Well..." My dad quickly replied, "That's a deep subject."
The waitress was taking orders and I asked for wings. I ask my dad if he wants any wings and what flavor. He says, "nah, I'm not much of a wingman... Get it? Wingman? hehehe" He looks at everyone expectedly. Everyone in my family, my mom, my brothers, my sister, and the waitress just stare at him in utter amazement.
Mom (to my dad): You forgot to button the last button on your shirt.
Dad: But darling, I'm just displaying my.... 50 Shades of Gray.
One night when we were sitting around the table eating dinner my brother was showing off his beard talking about how he was doing "No Shave November". My Dad gets up, gets another beer, sits down and just goes, "What's next? No Dump December?" He was sitting there chuckling so hard to himself he couldn't eat another bite.
So we're at Dennys after New Years, and as we order the check my dad's asks for water, and this is how it goes.
Dad: "Can I have some water please?"
Waitress: "Sure, normal water?"
Dad: "No, diet water"
Waitress: "Oh, okay"
Waitress looked a bit confused when she walked away and we start laughing for about 10 minutes.
We were on our way home from the store and we came up to an intersection and stopped. I was looking around and he says "Hey look, they're selling Huges!" I looked around and asked him what he was talking about as he proceeded to poing to a store with a big sign that said, "HUGE SALE!". Groans were made.
Me: I don't like this fondue Dad: Don't ruin it, we're having such a fun-do! (Walks away chuckling...)
My parents had just bought lots of pombears and this happened. Me: Aww man did you not get the brown ones? Mam: No, sorry they didn't have them in. Me: oh well they all taste nice, Dad: If you think about it, they all end up brown in the end!
My Mom's Facebook status: "Ordered my new Mahjongg card for 2014, hope it has better dragon hands than last year!"
My Dad's comment: "My wife, the crack addict"
My mom: "George, you're just making it worse!"
Dad: "He's all cracked up."
My dad has been telling this goddamn joke for as long as I can remember -
It's night and completely dark, the only light that shines on the deserted street comes from a lightpost which stands over the sidewalk. A little mouse is frantically wandering around near the lightpost when he gets interrupted by a bear. The bear is curious and asks the mouse what he is doing. The mouse responds: I'm looking for my lense, it fell out and I can't find it. The bear asks if the mouse needs help and the mouse gladly accepts the offer. "Do you know where you were standing when you lost your lense?" asks the bear. The mouse casually points across the street into the black abyss and says "about there, I guess". The bear is surprised by this answer and asks why the mouse isn't looking over there. With a dumbfound look on his face the mouse looks at the bear and says: "Well yeah, but at least I have some light here."