The best time of day to ingest eggs is at the crack of dawn.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?

Stuporstitious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SvenSvenkill3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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How does the muslim butcher respond when someone cracks a joke?

"Ha Lol"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adithya_Meher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I always try to avoid cracks in the pavement
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coprywriter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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What happened to the crack-dealing demon?

Arrested for possession.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheesusHChrust
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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What do you call it when there is a crack in the street?

Assphalt!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/palm_top
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Let’s start this off by breaking the ice. It’s a slippery subject, but I know we can crack it!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoFish484
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.

She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Sounds like a joke my dad would crack at the dinner table. /r/3amjokes/comments/fzt6…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugglez
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I just fixed the cracks in the wall...

...it looks spack-tacular.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Just for the crack
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spookyAGENT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked β€œwhere are the mushrooms?” ... without missing a beat, I said

β€œI couldn’t get them, there wasn’t β€˜mush room’ in the trolley. β€œ

She threw things at me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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Leftists crack the dark jokes.

Because it does not feel right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ronniemondal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Butt the screen has a crack on it?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ismoketears
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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I went to see a psychologist after I discovered cracks in the hearth of my fireplace.

I told him I was having a mantle breakdown.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notchase
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
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Let’s start digging at the crack of dawn!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/717to321
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh

and no pun in 10 did

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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I dropped my phone the other day and it didn’t crack

I told my friend and he said that couldn’t have been the case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrGold14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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Ever hear about the chinese restaurant owner that sold his establishment for crack?

they say he hit a new lo, mein.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/genocidechimp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Last night my wife told me the dentist found a crack in her tooth

As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her "you wanna see my crack?"

Of course...I turn around and show her my bare ass....

She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtMac02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2016
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Just discovered a crack forming on the bottom of my lower back.

Its my fault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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There's this planet, where the pointy-haired natives never smile, never crack a joke,

except every seven years, when all they do is word play.

It's called Pun Farr.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
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Friend: I have a crack on my phone, but if you put on the case you can’t see it at all.

Me: If that’s the case, it’s like there’s no crack at all. (This is an actual exchange)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleLvr69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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How I let my daughter do the dad-joking for me...and I crack up every single time:

My 13 year old daughter's new boyfriend is named Brennan.

I keep calling him Brendon.

Every time, she replies "Dad, there is no D! It's BRENNAN. NO D! Got it?!?"

And I am just thinking to myself "Good, Good...let's keep it that way."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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Still cracks me up when I think about it. Dads are the best!

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Wing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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What do you call the first person to crack a bad joke?

The father of dad jokes

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2016
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I work at a grocery store and a guy came through my line with his wife. He forgot to put his sweet potatoes on the belt and I make a crack about him stealing food. His wife then said,

"Ya know, if they put out a warrant for your arrest for stealing those potatoes you would be on the yam."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMortar93
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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Dad seeing for the first time since 1978 cracks the expected dad joke. youtube.com/watch?v=TXKlr…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beardy_Will
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
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