My wife and I received nothing from our wedding guests but colanders. There musta been 500 of the damned thing.

It really put a strain on our marriage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.

I'm in recovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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The Devils advocate is the best God-damned lawyer.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/literallyliquid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
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Damn, I mist the morning post
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says: "Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies: "In space no one can, here use cream."

πŸ‘︎ 974
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riverlong
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Gotta check the pokedex for that one damn.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gloomy_ZepCloud
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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They were in the same damn box!

We will never know!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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My dad sent me this today: "All they're talking about on the news is the coronavirus. Nobody said anything about the damn coronapox!"

http://imgur.com/gallery/XgScS7E

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danhunter753
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Damn we just missed the green light, this is gonna be heavy!

Because it will be a Full Wait

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,

I get cookies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Two muffins ... sitting in the oven...

The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MammaHenn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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The average person is really mean
πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/o0oo00oo0o
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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My son is lazy, sitting on the couch all damn day...

I told him he should try out for American Idle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Damn christ is high up in the sky!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paper-machete56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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My coworker was changing the ink cartridge on our printer...

Me: Have you been going to the gym?

Him: Yeah, actually! Why?

Me: Because you look...toner.

Him: God damn it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I read about one famous detective. Man was always catching criminals by simple luck. Either he would just luckily stumble across damning evidence or luckily catch the criminal in the act.

I think his name was Sheer luck Holmes

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clahws
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I once had to find the circumference of a circle where the radius equaled "damn."

The circumference is TWO DAMN PI.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The rent is too damn high and the circumference is two damn pi. imgur.com/a/F82RZ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
A friend invited me to his house for a party

When I arrived, his house was on fire. Damn, the party must be lit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cjyea124
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Gabe had a heavy load this semester

Math, physics, comp sci. The only easy class was "The American Century." Open book midterm and final, so he wasn't going to do any of the reading all semester.

β€œIt’s a huge waste of time, Dad,” he laughed when I objected. β€œI’m not learning a damn thing in the class.”

β€œWell, then you’re just going to have to take that class over again,” I snapped at him.

β€œWhat are you talking about?” he yelped.

β€œYou know why, Gabe,” I said. β€œThose who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two pieces of string slither into a bar...

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Sounds fishy

What did the fish say afer bumping into a wall

Damn

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b3ni3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t often tell dad jokes

But when I do, it’s because I’ve seen this damn post 50 million times in the last week, dear god get some creativity, but also, Dad usually laughs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cats_Macgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Many people want the "Damn Daniel" trend to end...

But how will they feel when he's back at it again (with the white Vans)?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Am_A_Sasshole
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.

Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues

Friend: damn it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubaliya
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't the spicy donkey mind his own damn business?

Because he's always Jalapeno Ass.

I'm sorry

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bookwormwood
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m sick of having to tell everyone my car’s not a Renault

I own the damn thing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowcoma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Girlfriend's dad ripped the aluminum foil: "Damn, foiled again!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadosky2010
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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My son on Father's Day says...

"You know, if they had a bunch of different fruits from around the universe and made it into a jam they would call it a Space Jam."

I'm so damn proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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I don't like doing spring cleaning

Damn things bounce all over the place

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two fish are out swimming when they swim into a wall.

The one fish turns to the other and says, "Damn."

The second fish replies, "No, I think it was a well."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwinTowers05
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Today my son typed "Can I have a book mark?"

I burst into tears. "Billy, please stop reposting the same joke for karma, everyone will hate you."

"Then give me the damn bookmark."

I gave him the bookmark.

He finally won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperJewsauce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.

But the whole damn process is painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrebrand18
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said β€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says β€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”

Deputy says β€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”

β€œBullshit!” Says the sheriff β€œyou stay here I’m going to check this out!”

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff β€œ Boss what the hell happened!”

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says β€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FleetChief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Chewbacca’s favorite cereal?

Wookie Crisp.

Here I was thinking I was so clever for coming up with this and apparently the joke has been around for years. Damn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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CJ's teacher wondered why he didn't perform very well in the PEs test.

After all, all he had to do was to follow the damn train!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gustavo6046
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon.

I'll let you know...

Edit: For those that want the results

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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