I said to the gym instructor โ€˜Can you teach me to do the splits?โ€™

He said โ€˜How flexible are you?โ€™ I said โ€˜I canโ€™t make Tuesdaysโ€™

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theskyguyuk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.

It was a joint operation

๐Ÿ‘︎ 142
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/333iamhalfevil
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore have all split ways with Winnie the Pooh.

They just couldn't bear him anymore.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sergioarmagh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"I Have A Split Personality"

Said Tom, being Frank.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xxxSnack
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 447
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Where would you learn to make banana split?

Sundae school

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/milli_salami
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I like the simplicity of split firewood.

It's pretty cut and dry.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I went to my local Gym to learn to do the splits...

Gym instructor said: 'How flexible are you?'

Me: 'I can't make Tuesdays'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Altar-83
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you split the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

๐Ÿ‘︎ 340
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sss69sss
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How did the Roman Empire get split in two?

With a pair of caesars

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/modular-emergence
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Batteries have split personalities

On the one side, they are positive, while on the other, they are negative

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BeaconOnAChairMC
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"The Epic Split" featuring Jean Claude Van Damme
๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/michael_v92
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Mom said split the chores, well. . .

"I am Iron Man"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ebatm3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend to said to me "there's no situation where a contraction makes sense but its split from doesnt"

I said "aren't there?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Short_Artist_Girl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call it when people in Russia are split up?

Sergei-gation.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bishop825
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An Amoeba predicted that it would successfully split itself in two.

It was a cell fulfilling prophecy

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/g1flash23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I wood split it too
๐Ÿ‘︎ 103
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AnlakySloth
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Who split the Red Sea using diffusion?

Os-moses.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 60
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CoolDude777777777
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Lickity split
๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GamerX40
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?

They had no chemistry

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dex_77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The first guy that figured out how to split an atom,

mustโ€™ve been blown away

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xJacon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
They were split apart
๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kennced
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife and I have split up over my obsession with horoscopes..

In the end it Taurus apart.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 287
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/leww_ap
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the skyscraper that split in half?

The engineers say the contractors didn't build it to specifications. The contractors say the engineers didn't design it right.

All I know is that there are 2 sides to every story.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/literally_a_brick
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"Do you want to split an apple with me?"

I asked.

Fiancรฉ answers, "Sure, do you want to eat it too?"

๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crescuesanimals
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call it when a tornado splits into two?

A cyCLONE!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PringleMuffin123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
At amusement parks, when the line splits, we never pick the right line.

We always go left.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/masterzeus2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Volemort splits his soul and puts part of it into a prostitute

Now he has a new whorecrux

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/steven8765
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Ending segregation was a split decision.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/clit_or_us
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Split a steak with a friend the other night after having an argument.

He ended up still having a beef with me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/petsarenice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It's grammatically incorrect to actually use a split infinitive
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Korokus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the cell say when its foot split in two?

"Ow! My toeses!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said โ€˜how flexible are you?โ€™

I said โ€˜I canโ€™t make Tuesdaysโ€™

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Merlin-5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Radish00
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FWRFWRFWR
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Ceasars.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"I have a split personality disorder"

Said Tom being Frank

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheViralClovers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you split the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 399
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BabaShaka
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
โ€œI have a split personality,โ€ said Tom, being Frank.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deanosuprema
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I have a split personality

Said Tom, being frank

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Ceasars.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 111
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gertjan-96
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.

I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RebelRaven94
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Where do you learn to make banana splits?

At sundae school.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said how flexible are you? I said I canโ€™t do Fridays.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cwwspurs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Ceasars

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NameViolation666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"I have a split personality"

Said Tom, being frank.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gregofdeath
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Where do you learn to make banana splits?

At sundae school.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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