My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy says he is all right after a divorce.

Because he has nothing left.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyGav123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the geologist’s wife divorce him?

Because he took her for granite 😁

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHFanEdits
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divorce your mail-order bride?

A FedEx-Wife

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backafterdeleting
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the divorce happening between Steve Harvey and his wife?

It’s a whole family feud

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScheidNation21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the horse get a divorce

His wife and him werent in a stable relationship

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlessedThree_2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
To get over my divorce, I keep telling myself 25 letters of the alphabet

Avoiding the X helps a lot

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and me has recently gone South.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the clowns divorce?

Ended in a custardy battle.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard that sweetened milk and egg yolks are getting a divorce

Apparently they're mixed up in a custardy battle

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I was pretty well off before my divorce settlement...

but now I’m in the lapse of luxury

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My birtch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce.

She said she’s tired of all of my tree puns.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?

He substituted his wife for an ex.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteSamurai5150
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t think Mary and Joesph ever got a divorce

It was a pretty stable relationship

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forwinder1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Stevie Wonder's wife just filed for divorce

He didn't see that coming at all

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.

He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhoke63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her

She ended up getting custardy

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B0bby_j3Ff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funwiwu2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said β€œyou can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:

β€œI didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0olzero
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the number one cause of divorce in America?

Marriage.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened after Atoms divorce was finalized?

All he was left with was a mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she was gonna divorce me for my bad Arnold impression.

Don’t worry, ”I’ll return”.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firehornet117
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to divorce my cross eyed wife

We didn't see eye to eye and I think she was seeing someone on the side.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Statistically do you know the main reason for divorce?

Marriage

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterKayfabe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did yellow divorce red?

Because red blue green

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madmonkey45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the wife divorce the baker?

Because he was too kneady

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FiveFingeredKing
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An egg and some cream have a child, and get a divorce.

Last I heard, they now have split custard-y.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fruitutu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce

So I handed her the divorce papers and said β€œmay divorce be with you”

πŸ‘︎ 273
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcyFrogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The judge in our divorce ordered me to give my wife one side of the house /r/funny/comments/hsck8b/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daakadence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?

Banana split

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrP4nc4k35
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
So Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she's...really silly?

No. Because's she's fucking Goofy!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?

Their marriage was on the rocks!

(Thank you u/VadJag for encouraging me to post this again!)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks.

That's swan way to go about it.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I want a divorce
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zackary8765
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the pig want a divorce?

Her husband was a bore.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendan_07
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.

Wife: How?

Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The wife seemed way too eager to pull the trigger on that divorce...
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoneyChadger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife wants a divorce for being too un American

I saw that coming a kilometer away

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superbirdtj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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