My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My birtch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce.

She said she’s tired of all of my tree puns.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I don’t think Mary and Joesph ever got a divorce

It was a pretty stable relationship

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forwinder1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?

He substituted his wife for an ex.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteSamurai5150
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Stevie Wonder's wife just filed for divorce

He didn't see that coming at all

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.

He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhoke63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her

She ended up getting custardy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B0bby_j3Ff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funwiwu2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said β€œyou can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:

β€œI didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0olzero
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened after Atoms divorce was finalized?

All he was left with was a mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she was gonna divorce me for my bad Arnold impression.

Don’t worry, ”I’ll return”.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firehornet117
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the number one cause of divorce in America?

Marriage.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Statistically do you know the main reason for divorce?

Marriage

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterKayfabe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to divorce my cross eyed wife

We didn't see eye to eye and I think she was seeing someone on the side.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
An egg and some cream have a child, and get a divorce.

Last I heard, they now have split custard-y.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Why did yellow divorce red?

Because red blue green

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madmonkey45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the wife divorce the baker?

Because he was too kneady

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FiveFingeredKing
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So I got a divorce at the end

My wife is really mad that I don't have a sense of direction. So I just packed my bags and right.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fruitutu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The judge in our divorce ordered me to give my wife one side of the house /r/funny/comments/hsck8b/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daakadence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce

So I handed her the divorce papers and said β€œmay divorce be with you”

πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcyFrogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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What do you call a divorce but for bananas?

Banana split

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrP4nc4k35
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
So Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she's...really silly?

No. Because's she's fucking Goofy!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?

Their marriage was on the rocks!

(Thank you u/VadJag for encouraging me to post this again!)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks.

That's swan way to go about it.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I want a divorce
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zackary8765
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the pig want a divorce?

Her husband was a bore.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendan_07
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.

Wife: How?

Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The wife seemed way too eager to pull the trigger on that divorce...
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoneyChadger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
To which state did my ex-wife move after the divorce?

I don't know.

But if I see her, Alaska!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frasier_n_Chill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to

Pay Alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the big cats get divorce?

Because the husband was a cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/etawong
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/svk7sarthak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the horses get a divorce?

They didn’t have a stable relationship!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?

β€œYep, she got the house”

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RND2KO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes.

We each got sole custody.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Annoyed my GF so she asked Google how to file for divorce, I though I'd help imgur.com/J7bhVja
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife wants a divorce for being too un American

I saw that coming a kilometer away

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superbirdtj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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