My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
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︎ Aug 22 2020
My birtch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce.
She said sheβs tired of all of my tree puns.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I donβt think Mary and Joesph ever got a divorce
It was a pretty stable relationship
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
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︎ Nov 23 2020
Stevie Wonder's wife just filed for divorce
He didn't see that coming at all
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︎ Dec 18 2020
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her
She ended up getting custardy
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︎ Oct 20 2020
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.
I found out she was seeing someone on the side
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︎ Sep 23 2020
Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said βyou canβt just divorce with someone for being stupidβ to which Mickey said:
βI didnβt say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofyβ
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︎ Sep 13 2020
What happened after Atoms divorce was finalized?
All he was left with was a mushroom.
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︎ Oct 20 2020
My wife said she was gonna divorce me for my bad Arnold impression.
Donβt worry, βIβll returnβ.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
What is the number one cause of divorce in America?
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︎ Jul 06 2020
Statistically do you know the main reason for divorce?
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︎ Sep 11 2020
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........
Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"
Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."
Judge: "ok.... then? "
Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."
Judge: "what?"
Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I decided to divorce my cross eyed wife
We didn't see eye to eye and I think she was seeing someone on the side.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
An egg and some cream have a child, and get a divorce.
Last I heard, they now have split custard-y.
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︎ Aug 28 2020
Why did yellow divorce red?
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was too kneady
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︎ May 24 2020
So I got a divorce at the end
My wife is really mad that I don't have a sense of direction. So I just packed my bags and right.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Why do tennis players have a high divorce rate?
Love means nothing to them
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︎ May 28 2020
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
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︎ Feb 14 2020
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︎ Jul 16 2020
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said alphabetically or by age
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︎ Apr 24 2020
Iβm a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said βmay divorce be with youβ
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︎ Jan 31 2020
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
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︎ May 13 2020
So Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she's...really silly?
No. Because's she's fucking Goofy!
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︎ Apr 15 2020
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
(Thank you u/VadJag for encouraging me to post this again!)
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︎ Mar 09 2020
My wife said she'll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks.
That's swan way to go about it.
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︎ Nov 23 2019
I want a divorce
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︎ Feb 22 2020
Why did the pig want a divorce?
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︎ Feb 27 2020
Divorce lawyer: Iβm sorry to say, but all of your husbandβs assets are Frozen.
Wife: How?
Lawyer: Iβm not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
The wife seemed way too eager to pull the trigger on that divorce...
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︎ Apr 19 2019
To which state did my ex-wife move after the divorce?
I don't know.
But if I see her, Alaska!
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︎ Aug 24 2019
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to
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︎ Sep 14 2019
Why did the big cats get divorce?
Because the husband was a cheetah
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︎ May 15 2019
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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︎ Mar 06 2019
Why did the horses get a divorce?
They didnβt have a stable relationship!
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︎ Jun 04 2019
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
βYep, she got the houseβ
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︎ Jan 27 2019
Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they're worth it.
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︎ Apr 29 2019
In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes.
We each got sole custody.
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︎ Jun 25 2019
Annoyed my GF so she asked Google how to file for divorce, I though I'd help
imgur.com/J7bhVja
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︎ Jul 04 2018
My wife wants a divorce for being too un American
I saw that coming a kilometer away
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︎ Nov 16 2020
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