What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?

Tanks for that.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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The United States Postal Service got jokes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenLeafGreg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...

To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom

One word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...

The were The Ruff Riders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...

It was a pinto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?

Ay bring ham, Lincoln.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keepscrollin-u
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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The United States is a cancer.

Its birthday is July 4th.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...

There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemanandnewman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
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Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justainsel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?

WSA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shortordercook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Nevada is the NV of the United States.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazy-helljumper
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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We need to add three more states to the United States of America

53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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In the United States, you’re American.

But in the bathroom, European.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemarkableRyan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.

Someone has been cutting corners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming β€œMickey Mouse”!

When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked β€œWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said β€œI was trying to say Donald Duck!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GPyleFan11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?

The Air Force, because they're US AF.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.

In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?

ACDC

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shredhead15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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What is the longest name for a boy in the United States, but not in most other countries?

Miles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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My foreign friend moved to the United States and brought his sick bird with him.

Unfortunately, he was arrested for being an ill-eagle immigrant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cany0udance
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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The United States Air Force is more than American...

It's USAF.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?

DONALD DUCK!!!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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I was throwing darts at a map of the continental united states when I...

Mich'd, again!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minegam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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My dad when we were talking about recent crime in the United States...

Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?

Me: No, what happened?

Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.

Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!

Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?

Me: I have no idea.

Dad: Armed Robbery....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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The first president of the United States had to deal with a lot of laundry.

He was washing ton of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/23farendheight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2017
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My dad said that Texas should hold a vote to secede from the United States.

They can call it Texit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eequalsmc2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
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What's the No. 2 antibiotic in the United States?

Pencil-icillin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningLemur
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2016
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My dad just sent me this. " Today's Windsor Star says that Wiz Khalifa was arrested for public urination behind a bar in the United States."

"Seriously, Wiz!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelixMontague
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today

So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack." The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_baboons_ass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
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The United States...

...Is an Obamanation!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totsjeal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2012
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There's no way to know how many anarchists there are in the United States.

It's not like they have meetings or anything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flame_in_darkness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?

Ay, bring ham, Lincoln

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smithmonkey98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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