You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..

Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain?

Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingdomgamer2019
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
Baby Roach: β€œPapa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?”

Papa Roach: β€œSuffocation. No breathing.”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunPeach0
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?

Minnesota.

Yeah.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.

He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song

But chick peas can only hummus one.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
53 states would make us indivisible
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ekim84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
Please dont call us grammar nazis

We prefer the term "alt-write"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Major_Cupcake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
My teacher was teaching us about the Kidney...

Just before he started he said :

"Urine for a treat!"

I replied with:

"You gotta be kidneying me!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Don't go to fast foods in America they are scamming us.

My kids meal didn't include any kids.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bob2k5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
The Killer Ohms are attacking us!

WE MUST MAKE A RESISTANCE!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avandoorslaer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.

She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.

It was a joint operation

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/333iamhalfevil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
British Among Us Porn

Sussex

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pouya07
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
I've always wanted to be the US President like my dad

He too always wanted to be the US President

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
Coworker's response to us wearing similar outfits at office job

"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AverageNeither682
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
"Son, do you think we should find an expert to guide us in our trek up Mt. Everest?"

"Sure, pa."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.

I just know we're going to workout.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
My wife was not happy with the new mattress I bought for us and wanted to return it asap

I asked her to sleep on it and decide tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avinash333bhat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
My son asked me if gravity kept us on the earth

I'm up in the air on that one

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...

The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReceptionSweet383
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
Considering how hard they worked to teach us stop, drop, and roll...

I really expected to be set on fire more as an adult.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robdingo36
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrevAccountBanned
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
Covid's got us all like this
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muadeeb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?

Cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
A friend told me he glued himself to us autobiography,

I don't believe him, but it's his story and he's sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hood-30535
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What invention allows us to see through walls?

Windows!

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
i was training in the military, and our instructor told us to fire at will.

few months later, i was court marshalled for murdering a superior by the name of "drill sergeant will"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdalgarDietbitch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
Wanna know something about the Among Us ghost chat?

It's usually pretty dead.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRobotYoshi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
I believe I speak for almost all of us here

*Good morning *Buenos dias *Bonjour *Guten Morgen *Boungiorno *Bom dia *God morgon *Selamat pagi *Goedemorgen *God morgen *Dobroye utro

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
there’s an impasta among us
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovejimin95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
I was playing among us and someone accused me that i was impostor

I just need to vent about it for a bit

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkblade768
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
They are pushing milk on us
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Biddy_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.

What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?

Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maddened
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the US Constitution say to the 8th Amendment?

You my lil' shorty.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
The black eyed peas can sing us a really good song...

but the chickpeas can only hummus one.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but...

the Chick Peas can only humm us one!

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
The black eyed peas can sing us a tune

But the chick peas can only hummus one

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcbrnld
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...

But the Chickpeas can only hummus a tune.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song

but the chick peas can only hummus one

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexbeltran43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report

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