You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain?
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".
Baby Roach: “Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?”
Papa Roach: “Suffocation. No breathing.”
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.
He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But chick peas can only hummus one.
53 states would make us indivisible
Please dont call us grammar nazis
We prefer the term "alt-write"
My teacher was teaching us about the Kidney...
Just before he started he said :
"Urine for a treat!"
I replied with:
"You gotta be kidneying me!"
Don't go to fast foods in America they are scamming us.
My kids meal didn't include any kids.
The Killer Ohms are attacking us!
WE MUST MAKE A RESISTANCE!
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
I've always wanted to be the US President like my dad
He too always wanted to be the US President
Coworker's response to us wearing similar outfits at office job
"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"
"Son, do you think we should find an expert to guide us in our trek up Mt. Everest?"
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
My wife was not happy with the new mattress I bought for us and wanted to return it asap
I asked her to sleep on it and decide tomorrow.
My son asked me if gravity kept us on the earth
I'm up in the air on that one
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
Considering how hard they worked to teach us stop, drop, and roll...
I really expected to be set on fire more as an adult.
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
Covid's got us all like this
Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?
A friend told me he glued himself to us autobiography,
I don't believe him, but it's his story and he's sticking to it.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
What invention allows us to see through walls?
i was training in the military, and our instructor told us to fire at will.
few months later, i was court marshalled for murdering a superior by the name of "drill sergeant will"
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Wanna know something about the Among Us ghost chat?
It's usually pretty dead.
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
I believe I speak for almost all of us here
there’s an impasta among us
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
I was playing among us and someone accused me that i was impostor
I just need to vent about it for a bit
They are pushing milk on us
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
What did the US Constitution say to the 8th Amendment?
The black eyed peas can sing us a really good song...
but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but...
the Chick Peas can only humm us one!
The black eyed peas can sing us a tune
But the chick peas can only hummus one
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...
But the Chickpeas can only hummus a tune.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
but the chick peas can only hummus one