You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..

Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 139
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 23 2021
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New playhouse for the grandkids and we love puns. Help us out with a name!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tkminnesnowta
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2021
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What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?

Minnesota.

Yeah.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2021
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Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song

But chick peas can only hummus one.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 110
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2021
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Please dont call us grammar nazis

We prefer the term "alt-write"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Major_Cupcake
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 23 2021
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Don't go to fast foods in America they are scamming us.

My kids meal didn't include any kids.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bob2k5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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The Killer Ohms are attacking us!

WE MUST MAKE A RESISTANCE!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/avandoorslaer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2021
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My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.

She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 18 2021
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 298
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jruff84
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2021
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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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British Among Us Porn

Sussex

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pouya07
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2021
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My buddy and I used to be Marijuana dealers and we always split our profits evenly between us.

It was a joint operation

πŸ‘οΈŽ 142
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/333iamhalfevil
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2021
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I've always wanted to be the US President like my dad

He too always wanted to be the US President

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 29 2021
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Coworker's response to us wearing similar outfits at office job

"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AverageNeither682
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 29 2021
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"Son, do you think we should find an expert to guide us in our trek up Mt. Everest?"

"Sure, pa."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/logansworth
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2021
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My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

πŸ‘οΈŽ 167
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2021
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My wife was not happy with the new mattress I bought for us and wanted to return it asap

I asked her to sleep on it and decide tomorrow.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/avinash333bhat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 27 2021
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My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.

I just know we're going to workout.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 02 2021
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A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...

The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ReceptionSweet383
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2021
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My son asked me if gravity kept us on the earth

I'm up in the air on that one

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/North_of_the_flames
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2021
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Considering how hard they worked to teach us stop, drop, and roll...

I really expected to be set on fire more as an adult.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/robdingo36
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2021
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Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PrevAccountBanned
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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Covid's got us all like this
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Muadeeb
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2021
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"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 217
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2020
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A friend told me he glued himself to us autobiography,

I don't believe him, but it's his story and he's sticking to it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hood-30535
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 05 2021
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Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?

Cabbage.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2021
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when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 90
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2020
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i was training in the military, and our instructor told us to fire at will.

few months later, i was court marshalled for murdering a superior by the name of "drill sergeant will"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AdalgarDietbitch
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 09 2021
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What invention allows us to see through walls?

Windows!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Piano_Trombone_Guy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 03 2021
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True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2021
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I believe I speak for almost all of us here

*Good morning *Buenos dias *Bonjour *Guten Morgen *Boungiorno *Bom dia *God morgon *Selamat pagi *Goedemorgen *God morgen *Dobroye utro

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/I_Only_Have_One_Hand
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2021
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Wanna know something about the Among Us ghost chat?

It's usually pretty dead.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheRobotYoshi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 21 2020
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My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2021
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I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2021
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I was playing among us and someone accused me that i was impostor

I just need to vent about it for a bit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/darkblade768
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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there’s an impasta among us
πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lovejimin95
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2020
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What did the US Constitution say to the 8th Amendment?

You my lil' shorty.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MyLifeHurtsRightNow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2021
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β€œSo, the US is pulling out of the war right? Like, we don’t care about their fighting anymore?”

β€œYemen”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LantzInSpace
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the most sexist US state?

Mennesota!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/26635785548498061381
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2021
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They are pushing milk on us
πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Biddy_Bear
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building

Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Zeugirdork
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2020
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My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.

What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?

Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Maddened
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The Mama Roach asked "What will happen to us if that human sprays us with Raid?"

The Papa Roach replied "Suffocation. No breathing."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SammDogg619
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 18 2021
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Turned on the US News and didn't realize...

That there was a new Gerard Butler movie: "Capitol Hill has Fallen"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SliceOfLife37
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but...

the Chick Peas can only humm us one!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 51
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Melvin-_-_-Marvelous
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2021
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The black eyed peas can sing us a tune

But the chick peas can only hummus one

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jcbrnld
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...

But the Chickpeas can only hummus a tune.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2021
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The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song

but the chick peas can only hummus one

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/alexbeltran43
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report

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