A giant hole suddenly appeared in the street next to us.
The cops are currently looking into it.
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But chick peas can only hummus one.
I had to travel to the US for a double amputation...
It cost me an arm and a leg!
My singing ensemble director told us we had to come to a second show.
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
A friend told me he glued himself to us autobiography,
I don't believe him, but it's his story and he's sticking to it.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
In college, we had a buddy who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try.
He was the original trip advisor.
The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs. After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds...
...they will be subma-weiners.
Who is the imposter in a game of AMONG US among mythical characters?
Pega-sus.
Hey. Don't say Je's-looking-Sus bro
Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...
"It'll be grated on a curve."
Since the US has a shortage of coins
Does that mean we have a lack of common cents?
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
And now the pasta will lead us in a hymn...
My brother, who’s a cowboy, always sits on the stove when he visits us.
He says that it makes him feel more at home... on the range.
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
The US is experiencing a coin shortage.
The country is out of common cents.
In addition to Taiwan, the US has also sold torpedoes to Vietnam. Rather than pay money, they traded with a huge bulk of food. The weapons are now called ...
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
I have seen a number of pirates in the US Capital
I suppose they really like D.C.
My in-Law's just told us they bought a ranch named "Que Pasa Ranch."
I said, "YOO! That's what's up!"
Only my father in law laughed.
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
You know, if a cat or dog plays among us, they will wanna be the...
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
Most of us like some chemistry puns once in a while
I was a driver and a spokesperson for the Wienermobile. They called us hotdoggers
Person: Please tell me you could cook hotdogs in there
Me: Definitely!
But there was no bathroom. You musturd somewhere else.
Credit: u/myloveislikewoah
The black eyed peas can sing us a really good song...
but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song but...
the Chick Peas can only humm us one!
The black eyed peas can sing us a tune
But the chick peas can only hummus one
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...
But the Chickpeas can only hummus a tune.
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
but the chick peas can only hummus one
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
After my son’s team won the tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us to a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
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