Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...

Riceless

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Mom told me to take out the spider
πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilliCherry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?

Cuz he'll never dessert you...

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Never take the p out of a pirate.

They become quite angry.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I’m going to open a take out cheese shop

Call it Whey to Go.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kramj007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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My wife said she wanted to take me out. I was so excited...

Until I saw the body bag.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Which donor kidney do doctors always take out?

The right one, so you at least have one left.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/easiestEC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?

One. It's a trick question.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.

All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My mom asked my dad to take the garbage out

So he made reservations for a couple at a restaurant

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I got arrested for forgetting to take out my wallet before washing my pants.

I was charged with money laundering.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abcruz7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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He can dish it out, but he can't take it πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortilsola
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I try to take my mermaid friends out of Atlantis every now and then to explore the coral reefs, wreckages and collect some shells, but they hesitate to do so...

I think they're a bit shellf conchess

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaverickCS5
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.

I replied β€œcan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forkingbread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Tried taking a picture of my hamster in his banana hammock but he jumped out before I could take it

He did a banana split

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsaustinjones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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When an Amazon employee takes maternity leave, are they out for delivery?
πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misspokeycat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My wife demanded that I take the spider that was in the kitchen, out…

Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.

πŸ‘︎ 464
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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Whenever I’m yelling at my kids, I take out my transparent megaphone.

So that they can hear me loud and clear.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I told my Granddaughter be careful with that Chinese take out soup it’s heavy-

It’s Won-Ton

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boipaul27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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This is why I can't take my dad out anywhere

Waitress: Ok, so you're paying cash tonight?

Dad: Did you just assume my tender?

Me: (groans)

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeaboolover
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.

He's such an Eggo-maniac

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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My brother told his son to take the crayon out of his mouth...

...unless he wanted the Crayola Virus.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr00b
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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I bought a smart trash can that reminds me to take out the trash

Now it keeps trash talking.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baimev3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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My boss asked me if I wanted to take the trash out or fix the roof

So I took the ladder

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went out and had beers. Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mer-edith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it

Went to the bar, had a few drinks, nice guy, turns out he's a Web designer

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RussiaIsMyCity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...

Had a few drinks, he is a cool guy, wants to be a Web developer.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgm810
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackdec2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.

We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SindySlaughter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.

We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrambledeggsalad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adventure84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts, but when I asked if I could take two, he said no...

I pleaded, β€œCan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchaicAlien
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.

I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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I had to take my wallet out of my pants before washing them.

Money laundering is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stefanopolis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.

I said, β€œCan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 457
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he’s a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaughterBoner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aglatte
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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My wife told me take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 255
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lichqueen22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

So we went out and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WHOFUCCINGFARTED
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mku4e
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.credits

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ariesconfusion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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My wife told me to take the spider out

We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlfTul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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