Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.
Guess you could say that it was a close shave
I'm so furious about my postmans route that I pull my hair out
I call it mail pattern baldness
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician?
Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out.
That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.
Why did Christopher Columbus pull a bunch of Swiss chard out of the ocean?
He wanted to be in uncharded waters.
Why did the bored man pull his money out of the bank?
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin’ Terry
What did the Great Deku Tree tell Link when he couldn't pull out the master sword?
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
A police officer pulls over a man out of suspicion of drug possession. The officer looks in the man’s trunk, only to find a bunch of cardboard boxes.
The police officer asks the man, “Sir, why do you have so many cardboard boxes in your trunk?” The man then replies, “I’m sorry officer, but I’m packing.”
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
A cattle farmer has had to pull out of the local marathon.
It was due to a calf injury.
A doctor pulls out his rectal thermomete, and says...
Damn some asshole has my pen.
Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control
It's also how I use my debit card
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
People get suspicious whenever I pull out the graph paper
They know I'm plotting something
A Man In a Ski Mask Walks into a Bank, and Pulls out a Coffee Cup at the Bank Teller.
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
I pull this dad joke out each and every time I can
When my family and I go out to eat and we get the bill, ANYTIME the bill is for an odd number I hand it to my wife and ask if it looks odd. She no longer finds the joke funny...
A magician pulls a calzone out of his hat
"Sorry I only know pizza parlor tricks".
If your dentist pulls out the wrong tooth
My son: hey it’s getting late, I should go. Me (a chef): Would ya look at the thyme *pulls out sprig of thyme*... Bye
My Grandpa always pulls this one out at family functions.
Did you know I used to play hockey in high school?
Only back then we spelled it with two o's
Every. Year. We always laugh to indulge him, he loves it.
My dad said there was a pull out couch in our hotel room
He then pulled the couch into the middle of the room
I'm talking to a potential romantic partner, when she pulls out these doozies...
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the Fresh Prince.
I'm not sure, but something tells me she's a keeper, guys.
My boyfriend pulls out the very old bottle of Vernor's from the fridge.
"Ginger-ale? More like Ginger-stale!"
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
Not a dad, but planning to pull this one out on my children when I take them fishing
So, I'm carrying around all gear, going out to the river. I "accidentally drop it, and pick most of it up, leaving only some fishing line. I then yell to my son "come on, pick up the slack!"
And one day, I hope he learns from me, and does the same to me. And just when he thinks he's gotten me I responded "you must be trolling".
Every time as a kid when I would pull out fresh laundry from the dryer..
You know how those clothes are from Star Trek? (without waiting for a response or to even take a breath) Because they're Cling-on's! (klingons). laughs at own joke and walks away
Dad just asked if I liked to fish, thens pulls a pole out from behind like couch and says he likes cat fishing
Every time my dad pulls out of a parking space
Whenever he can't see past the car next to him he asks us in the back to check for cars.
Him: How does it look?
Us: You're good.
Him: Well I know that, but are there any cars coming?
Gets me everytime.
My dad had to sleep on the pull-out couch.
I thought it might be uncomfortable but he didn't think so.
"Sofa, so good."
Dad pulls a quick one while out at dinner
We had a very nice family dinner this evening, and my dad ordered a large entrée that he was determined to finish. After we finished, the waiter came back to wrap everything up and my dad asked "do you have a paycheck for me out back?" ..."because man did I work at that"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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