Bow Out Puns

It was an air row

The instructor's way too stern!

I had trouble coping.

I tell you, it was a narrow escape.

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.

We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."

I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.

I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

“Daddy, may I ask you a question ?”

“Yeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

“I just want to know.  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.   Think about why you’re being so selfish.  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.  “Are you asleep son?” he asked.

“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.  “It’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

“Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

“Why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Daddy, I have $20.00 now.  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

Out of the corner of his eye, through the trees, one gentleman sees a funeral procession passing just outside the course.

He removes his hat, holds it to his chest, bows his head and sheds a quick tear, before taking his shot.

The other gentleman comments that he never knew he was so emotional.

First gentleman replies, "well we were married for 30 years, it's the least I can do".

Getting out of the shower I slapped grabbed and jiggled my wife's butt, she responded with an uuugghhh, can you not? I said yeah what do you need a bow knot, square knot, tie knot? I know a lot of knots. Naturally I got the expected eye roll and another long drawn out uuuugggghhhhh.

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!

Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!

Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short

What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi

What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi

What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks

What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be

Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul

Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!

Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!

Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.

Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.

Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.

What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.

What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda

What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2

Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt

What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? “The” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.

What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.

What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.

What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2

Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.

Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt

Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi

What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe

What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett

What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke

Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.

Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn

What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones

Why did

My brother got married recently. While we were getting dressed in our tuxedos, my dad and my brother's wife's sister's husband, who is a gynecologist, were trying to figure out how to tie my brother's bow tie (the rest of us had clip-ons).

They were watching a video as my gyno-in-law carefully followed along. My dad said, 'It's so complicated. So many folds.' And my brother's wife's sister's husband said, 'good thing I'm a gynecologist'

posted this story as a comment in a recent r/AskReddit post. Thought you'd like it too

So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...

Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad

edit: formatting