My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, you get down from a goose
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.
Do you think it's stumped?
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!
Step 28
Step 27
Step 24
Step 21
Step 16
Step 12
Step 7
Step 3
Step 1
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down ??
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
My dad asked me, “Do you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”
Me: Fireworks?
Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.
Where ever my dad is right now I'm sure he's looking down at me
He's not dead or anything, just very condescending.
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
I'm writing a book about falling down stairs...
It's a step by step guide.
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.
I said to myself, that’s a little condescending
At my boss's funeral, kneeling down and whispering slowly.
Who's thinking out of box now Kevin?
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
My friend rolled the ball down the lane 10 times, knocking over all the pins each time!
I tried to bless the rains down in Africa...
It was a Toto failure.
🤦🏻♂️
How does harry potter get down a hill?
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k,256k, 512k and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.
My post about chain link got reported and taken down
I guess someone took a-fence
Why Did The Toilet Paper Roll Down The Hill?
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Just heard there is a geezer down the market selling Oxford vaccination for £2 each
A mean crook going down stairs =
A condescending con, descending.
What do you call someone with great hair who can't hold down a job?
A hair-do-well...
[Just thought of that one as I was looking in the mirror.]
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
That's reeeealy deeeep down
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
my wife and I found out that our boy was convicted of burning down houses
no matter what he's still arson
A guy sees a pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel in his pants...
He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t. You get down off a duck.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
By walking!.... JK ROLLING!
How do you get Down off an Elephant?
You don’t, you get Down off a Duck
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