Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 844
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?

He becomes Livid.

I'll see myself out now.

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeprido
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
My GPS just told me to turn around

Now I can’t see where I’m driving

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
How do you turn six into nine?

Remove the β€œs”.

πŸ‘︎ 521
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed....

....by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifesdope057
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.

Tonight, we eat like kongs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind

The results came completely out of the purple!

πŸ‘︎ 402
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.

Starting with my severe drinking opportunity

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?

It coalapses underpressure!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sudden_Ad220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquiddlyD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
When does a dad joke turn into a bad joke?

When it becomes a parent

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nofortnight21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?

A blinkin'

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/japandler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Which way do dildos turn?

Cockwise.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemmlemm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn bowls into plates?

With a dish squasher

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/animatronic_gnu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...

Hindsight is 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Get married.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DurgraxD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A big light switch is a major turn-on
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth482
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,

Apple juice

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lisajean1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?

They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaimesBond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn a moose into mediterranean food?

Teach it to hum.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vainomainen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?

Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curtcurtcurt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

β€œWell, I guess now you really are… independent"

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What sticks up when you turn it on?

A light switch

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjphillips612
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you after an Apple turns bad?

You open windows.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Di_Ma_Re_Bra
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?

The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"

The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twomoose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?

So it doesn't get any hooty calls.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockstar37
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?

A Bisontennial!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nothingsexy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant?

A vowel movement

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lizdated
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn a T into P?

Drink it

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you turn a friar into a high priest?

You give him a blunt.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 227
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says

How the heck do we drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnorM1911
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours

So they called it a day

πŸ‘︎ 740
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kobykins
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Bent hoses turn me on...

I'm just kinky like that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/G0LD1L0CKS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.

So is the piano shop owner next door.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthVarn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The GPS told me to turn around.

But then i couldn't see where I was driving.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eh1498
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....

....by forgetting your wife's birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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