Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because itβs capsized.

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π€︎ u/porichoygupto
π︎ Dec 29 2020
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What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?

He becomes Livid.

I'll see myself out now.

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π€︎ u/Zeprido
π︎ Jan 16 2021
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My GPS just told me to turn around

Now I canβt see where Iβm driving

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π€︎ u/Jaxerfp
π︎ Jan 10 2021
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I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

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π€︎ u/ryanooooo
π︎ Jan 14 2021
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How do you turn six into nine?

Remove the βsβ.

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π€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
π︎ Nov 29 2020
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Turn your sofa into a sofa bed....

....by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

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π€︎ u/VERBERD
π︎ Jan 15 2021
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I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when itβs raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when itβs raining in Sweden?

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π€︎ u/lifesdope057
π︎ Nov 08 2020
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Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.

Tonight, we eat like kongs.

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π︎ Dec 29 2020
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I just went the doctors, turns out Iβm colourblind

The results came completely out of the purple!

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π€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
π︎ Dec 09 2020
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It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

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π€︎ u/christag
π︎ Jan 11 2021
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Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, Iβm going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.

Starting with my severe drinking opportunity

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π€︎ u/GigaMike123
π︎ Dec 31 2020
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Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?

It coalapses underpressure!

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π︎ Jan 04 2021
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Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

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π€︎ u/SquiddlyD
π︎ Jan 04 2021
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When it becomes a parent

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π€︎ u/nofortnight21
π︎ Jan 17 2021
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What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?

π︎ 10
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π€︎ u/japandler
π︎ Dec 31 2020
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Which way do dildos turn?

Cockwise.

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π€︎ u/Lemmlemm
π︎ Dec 13 2020
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How do you turn bowls into plates?

With a dish squasher

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π€︎ u/animatronic_gnu
π︎ Jan 22 2021
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Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...

Hindsight is 2020!

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π︎ Jan 09 2021
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Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

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π︎ Dec 03 2020
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How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Get married.

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π€︎ u/DurgraxD
π︎ Dec 17 2020
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A big light switch is a major turn-on
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π€︎ u/bismuth482
π︎ Dec 12 2020
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I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,

Apple juice

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π€︎ u/lisajean1234
π︎ Dec 09 2020
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Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?

They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.

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π€︎ u/JaimesBond
π︎ Jan 01 2021
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Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

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π€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
π︎ Oct 31 2020
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How do you turn a moose into mediterranean food?

Teach it to hum.

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π€︎ u/vainomainen
π︎ Dec 31 2020
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Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?

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π€︎ u/curtcurtcurt
π︎ Dec 09 2020
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The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"

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π€︎ u/Daudelin1
π︎ Oct 29 2020
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What sticks up when you turn it on?

A light switch

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π€︎ u/cjphillips612
π︎ Oct 24 2020
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What do you after an Apple turns bad?

You open windows.

π︎ 8k
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π€︎ u/Di_Ma_Re_Bra
π︎ May 25 2020
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Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?

The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"

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π€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
π︎ Sep 27 2020
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One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"

The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."

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π€︎ u/twomoose
π︎ Dec 04 2020
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Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?

So it doesn't get any hooty calls.

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π€︎ u/Rockstar37
π︎ Dec 08 2020
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What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?

A Bisontennial!

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π€︎ u/nothingsexy
π︎ Nov 29 2020
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What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant?

A vowel movement

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π︎ Nov 19 2020
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldnβt see himself doing it.

π︎ 5
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π€︎ u/lizdated
π︎ Nov 25 2020
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How do you turn a T into P?

Drink it

π︎ 5
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π€︎ u/BlankPhotos
π︎ Nov 24 2020
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How do you turn a friar into a high priest?

You give him a blunt.

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π€︎ u/icemage27
π︎ Nov 15 2020
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As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

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π︎ Aug 23 2020
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says

How the heck do we drive this thing?

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π€︎ u/ConnorM1911
π︎ Aug 26 2020
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Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours

So they called it a day

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π€︎ u/Kobykins
π︎ Jul 19 2020
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Bent hoses turn me on...

I'm just kinky like that.

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π€︎ u/G0LD1L0CKS
π︎ Nov 14 2020
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I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.

So is the piano shop owner next door.

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π€︎ u/DarthVarn
π︎ Nov 13 2020
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The GPS told me to turn around.

But then i couldn't see where I was driving.

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π€︎ u/eh1498
π︎ Jan 11 2021
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Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....