Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I can’t see where I’m driving
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
How do you turn six into nine?
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed....
....by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?
It coalapses underpressure!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
When does a dad joke turn into a bad joke?
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
Which way do dildos turn?
How do you turn bowls into plates?
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
A big light switch is a major turn-on
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?
They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
How do you turn a moose into mediterranean food?
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?
Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
What sticks up when you turn it on?
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....
....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?
So it doesn't get any hooty calls.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant?
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
How do you turn a T into P?
How do you turn a friar into a high priest?
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says
How the heck do we drive this thing?
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours
Bent hoses turn me on...
I'm just kinky like that.
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
The GPS told me to turn around.
But then i couldn't see where I was driving.