We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.

I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"

This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlitterCritter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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One of my students told me that all of his classmates are turning into Batman because of Covid

They are all either wearing a mask or their parents are dead.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I started a business fixing vehicles to have the wheel only turning one direction.

Business is going alright

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charlotte_8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says

β€œI can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...

Can you smell carrots?

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckYourNostrils
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...

...but now I think it's growing on me."

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jedd-the-Jedi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?

The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"

The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twomoose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says

How the heck do we drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnorM1911
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.

Whoosh.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frond_Dishlock
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, β€œNo one does that to a woman...

not on my watch”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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When a Dad turns one again...

My first cake day!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said "Gee it's hot in here"

The other one shouted "Wow, a talking muffin"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!

I come from a long line of fathers...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:

Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tataku999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?

"

πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Toby Turner aka Tobuscus is the one who turned everything.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solilupus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says β€œWhat music do you listen to?”

The turbine says β€œI’m a massive heavy metal fan”

πŸ‘︎ 337
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Richie31213
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

β€œNo, sir," he replied. "They're dead.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Put together a table in my room for the kitchen, now the table doesn’t fit through the door...one could say the tables have been turned
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dharmabummin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My toilet just turned one today.

It was her bidet.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juniorpoison
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A month ago I was kidnapped because my husband is a wealthy landowner. It turns out, all the kidnappers wanted was one of his quarries. It's a very profitable quarry, to be sure, but still.

Now I know what it feels like to be taken for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Koko--
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.

He’s not looking so good.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stopthisnow20689
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Two fishes swimed into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said dam!
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RubinKhadka
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin turns to the other and says: "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

The other muffin's jaw drops in shock as it exclaims: "Whoa! A talking muffin!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bike619
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a bowl, one fish turns to the other and say when do you think the food is coming? The other says...

Holy crap! A talking fish!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_LumberZack_
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Windmills

Two windmills near Palm Springs were chatting and the one turns to the other and asks:

β€œWhat music do you like?”

The other windmill thinks for a while and responds:

β€œI’m a metal fan”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tthrivi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taco_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Twin brothers just had a birthday

One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.

(Trust me it works when you say it out loud)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Different_Ad953
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank, one of them turns to the other and says

Hey! Who’s gonna drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkeazyG
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank, one turns and says to the other,

β€œhow do you drive this thing?”

πŸ‘︎ 202
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish were in a tank. One turned to the other and said...

"How do you drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?

"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Futureman16
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?

"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?

"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?

"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?

"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?

"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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