Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?
Because they're neck romancers.
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I can’t see where I’m driving
How do you turn six into nine?
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed....
....by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
The meteorologist didn't turn up for work.
He was under the weather.
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would try flowers and candy.
My first attempt at making rye bread didn’t turn out great...
... guess something went awry
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?
It coalapses underpressure!
Which way do dildos turn?
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
When does a dad joke turn into a bad joke?
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
How do you turn bowls into plates?
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
A big light switch is a major turn-on
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?
They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
How do you turn a moose into mediterranean food?
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?
Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...
What sticks up when you turn it on?
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?
So it doesn't get any hooty calls.
The GPS told me to turn around.
But then i couldn't see where I was driving.
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....
....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
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