Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was just arrested for Petty theft.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aloiciousss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I saw a bunch of crooks kidnap a blind man.

Safe to say he did not see that coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SCP-2004
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.

"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"

A shepherds spy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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A mean crook yelled at me while going down stairs. He was a condescending con, descending.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farbegn
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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How did the sheep stop the crook?

Shear wool power.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForgottenSpiral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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Crooked teeth are criminal

Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgetothewild
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.

I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...

Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
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I keep sending my information to the bank but they claim it’s too crooked to read.

They need to get their fax straight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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What do you call a robber who talks a lot?

A babbling crook

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cee_ayy_vee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.

I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epitomizer1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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My bike wheel was crooked, but now it's fixed.

True story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/isellmidgets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Someone robbed a Windex factory the other night.

Police are looking into it, but it looks like the crooks made a clean getaway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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This bearded man with crooked teeth and dirty clothes knocked on my door.

He said, "Have you got a place to sleep for the night?"

I said, "Yes, but thank you for the offer," and closed the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...

"No, but your hat's on crooked."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sineofthetimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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A robber and a babysitter fall into a crevice.

There’s a crook and nanny in the nook and cranny

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants:

I hope you’re happy now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/richardec
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Me Dad got me with this one at dinner...

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oi-FatBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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My friend Izzy wanted to furnish her new apartment, so I took her to furniture store owned by 3 carpenters, all named Paul.

Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST". "Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked. "Nope, that's not him.", I replied. "So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded. "Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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Construction joke.

So a guy I was working with built a wall really crooked. So I told him I could tell he was born with no eye lids. When they did the curcumsion they took the left over skin an put it over his eyes. Now he's all cockeyed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BAfisherman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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My 10 year old daughter

Has a figure skating competition in about a month. So I'm asking her if she's ready. She tells me she needs to straighten out her axle. To which I respond "you can't be driving around with a crooked axle" And my 8 year old son says "you'll drive right off the road" I've trained him well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irontan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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Dad wants to fix the blinds

Me looking at crooked blinds: "There's not enough tension on that side."

Dad: "So you might say it has a... tension deficit disorder?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anrikay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
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Dad got me while discussing Christmas music

Me: "Have you heard that song called 'Christmas Cookies'?"

Dad: "No, who sings it?"

Me: "George Strait."

Dad: "Is he related to George Crooked?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zora894
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Pumpkin Carving

When I was growing up and transitioning from baby to crooked adult teeth, my dad used to sit me down and tell me to smile. He would then pretend to carve the pumpkin's smile to look like mine and tell me how perfectly scary it was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justkayla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar?

He got twelve months.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
🚨︎ report

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