A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"

And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".

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π€︎ u/EgonVector
π︎ Dec 21 2020
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I thought we're supposed to isolate in order to "flatten the curve,"

but I'm only getting fatter.

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π€︎ u/Zatosu_
π︎ Mar 24 2020
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Hereβs an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.

Theyβre just optical illusions.

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π€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
π︎ May 16 2020
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Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

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π€︎ u/Batchet
π︎ Mar 24 2020
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Dads of reddit I need a joke with "Flatten the curve" in it.

What have you got?

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π€︎ u/pizzamike64
π︎ Mar 21 2020
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I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine

But now I stand corrected.

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π€︎ u/zsm1994
π︎ Aug 02 2019
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Also Known as a Bell Curve
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π€︎ u/baneoficarus
π︎ Jan 02 2019
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Calculus professor asked why he should curve the grades to our test.

I said, "It's a calc class, I guess you could say curves are integral to our class."

Groans filled the room. I laughed hysterically.

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π€︎ u/agb_123
π︎ Apr 03 2017
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What do you call a white supermacist with nice curves?

ThiKKK

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π€︎ u/alexbeltran43
π︎ Jul 31 2018
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Life is like sine curve , ups and down

Ohh! Sorry I mean "sin" curve

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π€︎ u/himanshu207
π︎ Jan 24 2017
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Why does corn curve when you shoot it out of a cannon?

Because of the Corn-iolis Effect

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π€︎ u/Kirk880
π︎ Nov 17 2017
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What did Hitler use to find the area under a curve?

A Riechman sum

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π€︎ u/Skystrike7
π︎ Dec 02 2016
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A student once asked me (teacher here) if there was a curve on the test before I handed them out...

I picked up the stack, bent it back and forth, and told the poor class that it appears there is indeed a big curve.

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π€︎ u/sum_buddy
π︎ Jul 30 2016
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My university's Archery Club asks for an original joke in it's application form ... I think I'm way ahead of the curve to become a dad

My application reads: Why did the German archer refuse to adopt the Euro?

...

Because he missed his mark.

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π€︎ u/terb3ar
π︎ Jan 14 2015
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My grandmother bought some curved yellow fruit and a French pineapple.

Now nana has a banana and an ananas.

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π€︎ u/SleepWouldBeNice
π︎ Jul 05 2020
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Damn those waves
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π︎ Aug 28 2020
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We all know that 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.

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π€︎ u/jfshay
π︎ Nov 09 2020
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burned
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π€︎ u/bitchyswiftie
π︎ Jul 12 2020
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I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

Nobody has given me a straight answer

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π€︎ u/Da_Brootalz
π︎ Sep 22 2020
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My friend the photographer always trims the outer edges of his pictures to be curved so that every edge is equidistant from the center...

He liked making crop circles.

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π€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
π︎ Jun 16 2020
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The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

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π€︎ u/Sur5er
π︎ Apr 28 2020
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Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...

"It'll be grated on a curve."

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π︎ Dec 14 2020
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Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

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π€︎ u/icebucketwood
π︎ Mar 05 2020
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If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you donβt.

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π€︎ u/porichoygupto
π︎ Jul 06 2019
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Why does the flat earther find a strange sense of joy in this pandemic?

. . . . .

All over the world countries are trying to flatten the curve.

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π€︎ u/the_brown_clown
π︎ Jul 09 2020
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I saw a sign that said "Rest area 25 miles"...

I thought,wow, that's pretty big

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π€︎ u/shdchko
π︎ Oct 28 2019
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Should we have a spiral stairway or a curved stair in our house?

I'm opting for the ladder.

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π€︎ u/MushWolf
π︎ Jan 06 2018
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Chirality
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π€︎ u/Bongnazi
π︎ Jan 26 2018
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My son's Math Teacher called him average.

I think he's mean.

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π︎ Jan 08 2018
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I saw two women exercising today.

They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"

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π€︎ u/jr_flood
π︎ Apr 15 2020
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With all the stress eating I've been doing during quarantine...

I have been fattening the curve rather than flattening it.

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π€︎ u/thiby
π︎ Mar 26 2020
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Driving in Mexico can sure be tough...

All the ese-curves mean you gotta be on your toes.

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π€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
π︎ Apr 02 2020
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We were learning graphs in maths and we were way ahead of the other classes

I guess we were ahead of the curve

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π€︎ u/oleolesp
π︎ Feb 07 2020
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My job at the tea shop required 12 months of training

Thereβs a steep learning curve.

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π€︎ u/MewThree1416
π︎ Nov 09 2019
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What do teachers and road workers have in common?

They both grade on a curve

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π€︎ u/whomikehidden
π︎ Oct 05 2019
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How do you recognize a nerdy mermaid?

She wears an algaebra.

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π€︎ u/DeviantClam
π︎ Jan 15 2016
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I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)

I told him, βwoah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasmβ

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π€︎ u/danlehavj
π︎ May 04 2019
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Why was the cube self-conscious?

Because it didn't have any curves.

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π€︎ u/xEdiddy
π︎ Oct 05 2018
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My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit β‘

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π€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
π︎ Sep 09 2014
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Learning how to brew a new kind of tea...

involves a steep learning curve.

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π€︎ u/SoundTrax
π︎ Jul 29 2016
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit β‘

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π€︎ u/onmugen
π︎ Aug 31 2016
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to \$xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit β‘

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π€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
π︎ Jul 16 2014
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I'd like to get into making tea's

But I hear the learning curve is very steep.

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π€︎ u/WakeskaterX
π︎ Jan 09 2017
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Wife broke her toe and has to wear a protective boot.

I picked it up and started caressing it with my hand making crooning noises.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Just feeling the wonderful curves of your booty.

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π€︎ u/mapguy
π︎ Apr 01 2015
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