Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.

They’re just optical illusions.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
I thought we're supposed to isolate in order to "flatten the curve,"

but I'm only getting fatter.

-My dad

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zatosu_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Batchet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
Dads of reddit I need a joke with "Flatten the curve" in it.

What have you got?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzamike64
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine

But now I stand corrected.

πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I found out that confirmed ghost sightings follow a bell curve.

Or in other words, a paranormal distribution.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boilerup4444
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Also Known as a Bell Curve
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baneoficarus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a white supermacist with nice curves?

ThiKKK

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexbeltran43
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Calculus professor asked why he should curve the grades to our test.

I said, "It's a calc class, I guess you could say curves are integral to our class."

Groans filled the room. I laughed hysterically.

πŸ‘︎ 227
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/agb_123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Life is like sine curve , ups and down

Ohh! Sorry I mean "sin" curve

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/himanshu207
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Why does corn curve when you shoot it out of a cannon?

Because of the Corn-iolis Effect

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirk880
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What did Hitler use to find the area under a curve?

A Riechman sum

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skystrike7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
🚨︎ report
A student once asked me (teacher here) if there was a curve on the test before I handed them out...

I picked up the stack, bent it back and forth, and told the poor class that it appears there is indeed a big curve.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sum_buddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2016
🚨︎ report
My university's Archery Club asks for an original joke in it's application form ... I think I'm way ahead of the curve to become a dad

My application reads: Why did the German archer refuse to adopt the Euro?

...

Because he missed his mark.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/terb3ar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icebucketwood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw two women exercising today.

They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jr_flood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
With all the stress eating I've been doing during quarantine...

I have been fattening the curve rather than flattening it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thiby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
Driving in Mexico can sure be tough...

All the ese-curves mean you gotta be on your toes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
I saw a sign that said "Rest area 25 miles"...

I thought,wow, that's pretty big

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
We were learning graphs in maths and we were way ahead of the other classes

I guess we were ahead of the curve

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Should we have a spiral stairway or a curved stair in our house?

I'm opting for the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MushWolf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Chirality
πŸ‘︎ 972
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My son's Math Teacher called him average.

I think he's mean.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youworryaboutyou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My job at the tea shop required 12 months of training

There’s a steep learning curve.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MewThree1416
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do teachers and road workers have in common?

They both grade on a curve

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)

I told him, β€œwoah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasm”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danlehavj
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you recognize a nerdy mermaid?

She wears an algaebra.

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Why was the cube self-conscious?

Because it didn't have any curves.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xEdiddy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
The math test had lots of parabolas

You could say, it threw you a curve ball.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanarp_Letap
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever tr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 263
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Learning how to brew a new kind of tea...

involves a steep learning curve.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoundTrax
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was ask

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
I'd like to get into making tea's

But I hear the learning curve is very steep.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WakeskaterX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
🚨︎ report
x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Wife broke her toe and has to wear a protective boot.

I picked it up and started caressing it with my hand making crooning noises.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Just feeling the wonderful curves of your booty.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mapguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my tea-drinking coworker.

Coworker was putting fresh water in her tea, which was too strong for her.

Me: Soooo...if you were to chart the level of flavor in tea vs. the amount of time you left the bag in the cup, would you end up with a steep curve?

Coworker: Stare

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindfire40
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
🚨︎ report
So, I have to wear a back brace...

I have to wear it because of an unnatural curve in my spine. Whenever I reference it, my dad says "brace yourself" :/

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bon7bon2000
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Talking to a friend about distillation

and came across this picture of a distillation curve. Told him it's what distillation boils down to.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scnottaken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
A couple from my U.S. History teacher.

Student: How long is the test?

Teacher: Holds up test pretending to measure its dimensions "I'd say about eleven inches."

Another student: "Is there a curve?"

Teacher: Holds up test again this time bending it "Now there is."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Discussing spinal disorders at breakfast...

Kid: "What's that disease called, the one that makes your spine all curved?"

Mom: "That's Scoliosis. It can also mess up your ribcage and shoulders."

Me: "The people who discovered Scoliosis actually had it themselves. It was a husband and wife team. I think their last name was Dover...

Kids: staring intensifies

Me: "... Ben Dover, and his wife Ilene Dover."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Technohazard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Ordering drinks for me and my wife

She wants diet Pepsi I want normal. Hers comes in a straight glass, mine in a standard pint glass. I turn to her and say:

"You can tell mine is full fat, the glass has curves".

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/terandir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
🚨︎ report
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeMaijstral
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked by my history teacher.

In the middle of his lecture he's asks

Teacher: What are those curved peanuts called? Girl: Cashews? Teacher: Bless you.

Collective Groan

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Idols
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.