i have just been swooned by a man only to discover he’s a career criminal

i guess you could say i felon love

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't bother doing a criminal background check on me.

I've never been caught.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
Criminal justice has progressed

When a thief is caught today, it’s not like the olden days. Now, you get a mugshot and housed in a jail cell. Then, they were just drawn and quartered.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.

It was a briefcase

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicNoire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a narcissistic criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....

He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't rodents be succesful criminals?

Cause someone always rats them out

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotYodaAtAll
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone else surprised we don't see more toddlers with criminal charges?

Mine's always resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Crooked teeth are criminal

Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgetothewild
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobby criminal climbing down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cokedupbunny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...

The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I hit a criminal with a sign yesterday

I must say I put a stop to them

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crypt-lord
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a criminal sleeping in a tent?

A ConTent

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomatoTheTornado
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is police officers' favorite type of room to find criminals?

Arrest room!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizzmo3000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the time the lead singer of the band β€œThe Police” went undercover to catch a criminal?

It was a Sting operation

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dig-ol-bick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the most wanted criminal rock?

Basalt

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skylohhastaken
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a musical group of criminals that travels around the country but only along the outline of the country's border?

Contour

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I just threw ice at a criminal and got him arrested

Just-ice served!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HungTDD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Hartford, CT has the friendliest criminals?

They excel at con-etiquette.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to play Yahtzee with criminals

It's a dicey game

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HelluvaCaucasian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My main job as a criminal wasn't paying much so I picked up a 2nd at a bakery

What can I say, I knead the dough

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the criminal steal the money alone?

He was banking on his friends to do it

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pie-lice officer say to the criminal?

You’re going into custardy.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/REE-KlD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call criminal twins?

doppelgangsters !

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFatManatee
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrMamFat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Australia's most wanted criminal was arrested stealing a car in a car in Canberra today

He was caught in the ACT

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flazdude
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What is Batman’s catchphrase after he catches the criminals?

Gottem

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/private_unlimited
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A new criminal has been recognised as stealing car wheels

Police are attempting to catch him tyrelessly

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patrick_L58
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:

I hope you both get six months.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I was hanging out with a bunch of criminals who kept telling the funniest jokes.

We were laughing all the way to the bank.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The government is starting to punish criminals by giving them Coronavirus

They get hand-coughed

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the sheep upset with the criminal?

Because he was on the lamb!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Just been to a carnival where they suffocate criminals by sitting on them.

Harsh Butt Fair.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.

He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
You can have criminal charges filed against you if you don't take enough naps.

You'll be indicted with resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ass-with-class
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are platypus always criminal suspects?

Because they fit the bill.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightBeATaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A criminal is wanted for stealing wheels off police cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattxfish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Criminals to be executed by firing squad used to be tied to the pole with yarn...

It was found to be crewel and unusual punishment.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Heard about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flappyducks34
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do Dalmatians make such poor criminals?

Because they’re always spotted!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A detective has found the criminal who stole this lady's baggage, all in an hour.

Turns out it was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SedrioX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Khadau
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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