We're all steakholders in these incidents. Corporations need to beef up security or these costs will go over the moon. Criminals can't get used to CEOs chickening out and paying. theguardian.com/food/2021…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Bend5385
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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Last time I went on vacation, the security person at customs asked me if I have any criminal convictions.

I didn't know that was a requirement.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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Does Boy George have a criminal record?

No, he's a man without convictions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gogo726
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the criminal who only steals wheels from police cars?

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him

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πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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What do you call a narcissistic criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending

Con descending

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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What happened to the two criminals who met at the courthouse during their trials and fell deeply in love with each other?

They got encaged

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Where does a criminal go to relieve himself?

Arrest room

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrisj1616
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Our handwriting is criminal too. reddit.com/r/punnychalkbo…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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It's criminal!

I opened a bag of Doritos and was about to start eating when I heard a tapping noise from inside the packet. I looked inside the bag and saw ane little Dorito on using a typewriter. 'What are you doing ?' I asked 'Shh, I'm writing a whodunit,' came the reply. 'Of course!' I exclaimed, 'you must be Agatha Crispie!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the criminal who had a heart attack while running from the police?

He went into cardiac arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luigiblade777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I was lecturing on the criminal law concept of hot pursuit, and I asked there were any questions.

A student asked "what if you're ugly?'

As an old dad, I was befuddled for a moment before asking "did you just tell a dad joke?" She grinned, and I commissioned her as a dad on the spot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M4sterofD1saster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do French criminals take baths?

In the J'accuse-i.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Why didn't the criminal use their turn signal?

They were trying to go straight!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VerbalAcrobatics
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.

It was a locomotive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ensiform
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you call a criminal undead?

Rob Zombie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mtg_Dervar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do criminals love using cows at their lookouts?

They are great at spotting moo-vement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maximilian156
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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What did the egyptian people say when banishing the sexually confused criminal?

Stop living in de nile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qomzt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
How did exicutioners hear about the latest criminals?

The Noose-Paper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackWebber85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
i have just been swooned by a man only to discover he’s a career criminal

i guess you could say i felon love

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πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Criminal justice has progressed

When a thief is caught today, it’s not like the olden days. Now, you get a mugshot and housed in a jail cell. Then, they were just drawn and quartered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.

It was a briefcase

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicNoire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The devil and a criminal work great together

After all, they have great sin-ergy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WitherLord888
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Don't bother doing a criminal background check on me.

I've never been caught.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....

He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't rodents be succesful criminals?

Cause someone always rats them out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotYodaAtAll
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Crooked teeth are criminal

Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgetothewild
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Anyone else surprised we don't see more toddlers with criminal charges?

Mine's always resisting a rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He achieved ESCAPE VELOCITY

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...

The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I hit a criminal with a sign yesterday

I must say I put a stop to them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crypt-lord
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the most wanted criminal rock?

Basalt

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skylohhastaken
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a criminal sleeping in a tent?

A ConTent

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomatoTheTornado
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is police officers' favorite type of room to find criminals?

Arrest room!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizzmo3000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the time the lead singer of the band β€œThe Police” went undercover to catch a criminal?

It was a Sting operation

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dig-ol-bick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a musical group of criminals that travels around the country but only along the outline of the country's border?

Contour

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Hartford, CT has the friendliest criminals?

They excel at con-etiquette.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I just threw ice at a criminal and got him arrested

Just-ice served!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HungTDD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to play Yahtzee with criminals

It's a dicey game

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HelluvaCaucasian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My main job as a criminal wasn't paying much so I picked up a 2nd at a bakery

What can I say, I knead the dough

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the criminal steal the money alone?

He was banking on his friends to do it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a narcissistic criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobby criminal climbing down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cokedupbunny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatchOutItsAdam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khadau
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrMamFat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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