Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would try flowers and candy.
Cupcake decorating took a turn on Valentine's day when my daughter got frosting all over the freezer
I told my wife to just leave it though since the freezer has an auto defrost feature
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
A big light switch is a major turn-on
What sticks up when you turn it on?
Bent hoses turn me on...
I'm just kinky like that.
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
If you were a ghost what part of the body would turn you on the most?
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
I made up a joke about the sound a tap makes when you turn it on full blast, but no one got it.
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, “No one does that to a woman...
Why did the murderer turn on the lights?
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and noticed the clock turn to midnight.
I thought, “Same shit. Different day.”
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.
It was in a very remote place.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
I went to America once and tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
Today I tried to turn the lights on
They couldn't see my G-string in the dark
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
I get so mad at my wife when she turns on the heater idk what it is
But I swear I lose my cool
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” on ITunes. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
People with afro's really turn me on
I suppose they're a bit of an afrodiziak for me
Me: dad can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Me: what?
Dad: the air.
Me: ....
Why is poofy hair a turn on?
Because it’s an afro-disiac...
Le shower head: Every naked person turns me on.
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks “I wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says “maybe Norway?” My final friend asks “do you thinks she’s Finnish?”
I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”
What sweet turns on a female with a foot fetish?
Is it cool if I turn on the a.c.?
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.
No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out.
It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied “It’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling “It’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
post said that driver forgot to turn on parking brake
On a report card, what grades turn you into a pirate?
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
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-
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Because it's capsized
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if it’s raining in Sweden?
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Every naked person I see, turns me on.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
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