Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
How do you turn six into nine?
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
I just went the doctors, turns out I’m colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, I’m going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?
It coalapses underpressure!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
Which way do dildos turn?
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
A big light switch is a major turn-on
Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?
They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
Which LOTR character would you turn to if you wanted really strong tea?
Bilbo cause he’d leave the bag in.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
How do you turn a moose into mediterranean food?
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?
Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
What sticks up when you turn it on?
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed immediately....
....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
Why does the owl turn off it's phone at night?
So it doesn't get any hooty calls.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant?
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
How do you turn a T into P?
How do you turn a friar into a high priest?
Bent hoses turn me on...
I'm just kinky like that.
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says
How the heck do we drive this thing?
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours
If you were a ghost what part of the body would turn you on the most?
My satellite navigation told me to turn around....
Now I can't see where I'm going.
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
Turns out there’s a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords
1 minute when she turns 62
What does a pirate say when he turns 80?
How do you turn a T into a P
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