The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
Bartender says “Get out of here! We don’t serve breakfast!”
“One beer please,” says the crab. “But if I am not satisfied I will require a full refund. You may dispute my claim that the beer wasn’t satisfactory at which point we can move to an arbitration process. This agreement is also only between us and I expect full confidentiality.”
“Sure,” says the bartender. “But why the big clause?”
So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,
"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"
Bartender checks his ID, replies with,
"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:
We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."
"POP! Goes the Weasel."
And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"
Neil before me..
They are followed by Batman.
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”.
He couldn’t see that well
"Two beers, please. One for me, and one for the road."
The bartender says to him, “We don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”
So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.
Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. “What did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”
And the rope replies, “A rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
He’ll come around eventually.
The rabbit says, “I’m probably a Type-O”
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth.
The woman asks: "Are you the nurse or the doctor?"
The man replies: "I'm the delivery guy."
And says is this stool taken?
And a chair, and the waitress, and some people.
The groundsman said "Morning"
I said "Nah, I'm just having a piss"
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."
They both have a great time.
The man asked, "Tit for tat?"
and orders everyone a round.
A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”
..and the 4th one ducks.
The psychiatrist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts”
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
The waiter says "For you, no charge"
"Make me one with everything."
edit: cant edit title for grammar :(
And now they have cameras.
So he gave it to her.
WHO FUCKED MY WIFE someone replyed mate you dont have enough bullets
Its a shitzu.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I said yes, the just uproot and leaf.
and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
1 was a salted.
and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
And then a table... And then a chair...
The bartender says, “we don’t serve your type”
And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"
The rabbit looks at the priest and preacher then says "I think I am a typo".
The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here"
