The rabbit says: "I think i am a Type O."
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
That’s a number one dad
He’ll come around, eventually.
A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.
The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.
He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”
The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.
The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.
The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.
But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.
The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, “Why?”
The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door... keep reading on reddit ➡
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
Because he couldn’t see that well
A hobbit laughs and walks right under.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
The bartender said, you can come in, just don't start anything
Just kidding, they know better.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
"Do you have any spare keys?"
He says to the bloke behind the counter,
“Do you do fishcakes?”
The man behind the counter nods his head and smiles.
Customer points to the cod under his arm.
“Better make him one then mate, it’s his birthday.”
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"
I was crushed by the news.
Too much of an Inn joke.
He buys an iPatch
Yeah, they can't go bock.
Is a shitzhu
The difference is staggering.
Walks out exlaiming "I am what I yam!"
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.
Because he had to get his bear rings.
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bar... keep reading on reddit ➡
To which the pirate replies,”Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts.”
He has a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at him and says “Dude, why do you have a a pig under your arm?”
The guy says “in case I want a quick snort!”
Another man walks into a bar
A midget walks under the bar
The other one goes “Shut up Phil you’re drunk”
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
Bartender says: “Hey! We don’t serve your lame kind!” Mushroom says: “Come on! I’m a fungi!”
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
Knight: Nice roundtable, who built it?
King: ‘Twas Sir Cumference.
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
“I’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
You could be due compensation. Contact the Pro-Claimers now!
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar....
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of auto correct."
He was delighted
Just kidding. They know better.
But Stephen Hawking ran on Batteries
The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!
Bartender says “get out of here, we don’t serve breakfast!”
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mi... keep reading on reddit ➡
The bartender says, "What can I get you, Anakin?"
He shows the barman 2 fingers and says " Five beers please"
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
You would think the 3rd one would have ducked.
"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.
"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.
Bartender: Do you mind if I ask why you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate: Arrrrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.
The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
But you're homeschooled
Is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Pete takes a few too many shots and gets sent home in a cab, Pete gets into a fight and taken to the drunk tank for the night.. who's left?
... Pete, Pete and repeat walk into a bar...
The barman says "long time no sea."
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Mother superior confronts her and says "what on earth happened to you? You look like you've gone through a hedge backwards"
The Nunn responds "I know I've got a bad habit"
The assistant says “Ok I’ll serve the iPhone 11 first then”
And I said 'Nope I'm a peein''
It was tense.
After inspecting his room, he comes back to the hotel manager saying, "I would like six forks and a sheet" after noticing the absence of those items in his room.
He gets kicked out.
"Why did you kick him out?" says one of the hotel staff.
"He told me he wanted sex, fucks, and a shit!"
Bartender said to the horse , what’s with the long face.
I must have herd that 1,000,000 times as a kid never got old.
To get to the udder side
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
is the Bar Tender here?
"Sorry we don’t serve food here."
The bartender says “sorry we don’t serve your type here”
He'll come around eventually.