Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says we don't serve food here

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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A Pastor, a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar...
πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtzee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Pun walks into a room with 10 people and kills them all.

Pun in, 10 dead.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Slaya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/son-of-CRABS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, β€œA beer please, ..."

"... and one for the road."

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre".

So he gives it to her.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mano_Trueno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal is a dog. It’s a shitzu.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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A doggo walks into a bar and says ...

I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/razalas1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."

"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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A priest an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O."

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots9182
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"

Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carr3iroh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Gold walks into a bar

The bartender says "AU get out of here!"

πŸ‘︎ 186
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awkunzler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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A guy walks into a bar holding a hammer over his head.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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2 priests walk into a vampire

One says "Quick show him your cross"

The other priest crosses his arms and says "I'm so disappointed in you"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theoriginalclarky
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 224
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smarzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says

β€œFive beers, please.”

πŸ‘︎ 953
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank.

The rabbit says: "I think i am a Type O."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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An epidemiologist, a scientist and a doctor walk into a bar...

...just kidding, they know better.

πŸ‘︎ 563
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bel0902
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I bought a book called "How to walk up stairs."

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 ....

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be in some extreme mist group.

πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Remember the band that did that rock cover of β€œwalk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?

Pharaohsmith.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Two men walk into a bar...

Why didn’t the second man duck?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamCYoung
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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A nose walks into the pub....

The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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World limbo champion walks into a bar

He was instantly disqualified

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gebhuza1972
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Two guys walk into a bar

The third guy ducked

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the lion walk into the Chinese restaurant to get a haircut?

Because he wanted a low mane.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above him…

He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, β€œIf you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”

The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, β€œNah, the steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snrckrd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says I think I'm a type-o

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar

The bartender said "I'll serve you, BUT DON'T START ANYTHING!"

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepyPastaKing1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

....

It was a shitzu.

EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gomass4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A mathematician walks into a church to confess

He says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sined."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarvius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into Ikea

And he goes up to the most beautiful worker and says "hi, I'm looking for uh, one night stand"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 575
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.

And a mop.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/starkers107
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Outi94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"

The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Altus-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?

Because the bartender keeps saying, β€œCan I get U anything?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A snake walks into a bar...

Bar tender goes, how’d you do that?

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fahimifire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report

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