The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Neil before me.
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
thats right, I went on A Bee See(ABC)
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
Long time fan, first time poster.
Doctor: Would you like some cream for that?
Pirate replies, "Yar, been driving me nuts."
Huge axeman
He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......
It’s laundry day.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
...and says, "Hygiene".
Nuts hanging out.
I stopped and asked him what the matter was, he told me his dog had died. I gave my sympathies and offered to get him another one, he just looks at me and says "sure what would I do with two dead dogs".
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
I like a little spring in my step.
“Be a little patient.”
But Stephen Hawking ran on Batteries
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
Bartender: Do you mind if I ask why you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate: Arrrrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
Pun in, ten dead
Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.
Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.
-Mic drop-
Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?
Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.
(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)
We suspect fowl play.
...but too many customers complained of their stir-fry tasting like urine.
It was a sub I fell for.
I told him it was the car berater.
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.
Neil before me.
It’s laundry day.
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
It’s laundry day.
The bartender says; "hey, what's with the paper towel?" And the pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head!"
The bartender asks him why it's there, to which the pirate replies, "Arrr, there be a bounty on me head!"
It’s laundry day
