A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Hi I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."

"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...

He said the police were expecting a crime wave

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeJeepWdw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"

Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carr3iroh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a walk looking for nectar gathering insects....

thats right, I went on A Bee See(ABC)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vrek86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.

Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks in to a doctors with a strawberry growing on his head.

Doctor: Would you like some cream for that?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GordinhoSA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his junk. Bar tender asks, "what's with the wheel?"

Pirate replies, "Yar, been driving me nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bri_IsTheMeOne
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My dad told me he met that famous actor on his walk in the woods.

Huge axeman

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.

He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which could mean just one thing.

It’s laundry day.

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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A pirate walks into a bar and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Wolverine walks in on Jean Grey sneezing without covering her mouth..

...and says, "Hygiene".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/r1pen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So a peanut walks in on a cashew.

Nuts hanging out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
While on my early morning walk I came across a man look very sad

I stopped and asked him what the matter was, he told me his dog had died. I gave my sympathies and offered to get him another one, he just looks at me and says "sure what would I do with two dead dogs".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinkingfish
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. β€œ13?”, the scientist asks, β€œI wanted a dozen!”

The lab clerk says β€œI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErectAnarchy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I eat spring onions before going on walks.

I like a little spring in my step.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RioZX
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into his doctors office saying, β€œHelp me, doctor, I’m shrinking.” β€œHold on,” says the doctor,

β€œBe a little patient.”

πŸ‘︎ 735
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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A rock I saw on my walk
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamatuzi2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imperfectshane
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Sure, Jesus could walk on water...

But Stephen Hawking ran on Batteries

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aloneexplorer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around.

I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthwulf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle.

Bartender: Do you mind if I ask why you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate: Arrrrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

πŸ‘︎ 494
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanthom12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
We found two dead birds on our morning walk.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrowAwayFor30yo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to frequently go on walks...

...but too many customers complained of their stir-fry tasting like urine.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meyerss1985
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend bet me a subway sandwich that I couldn't walk on a tightrope without falling. He was right.

It was a sub I fell for.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Went for a walk with my son and we saw a man on the side of the road yelling and swearing at his car. My son asked me what I thought the problem was...

I told him it was the car berater.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The bartender says β€œWhat an interesting pet, whats his name?”

β€œTiny” the man replies.

β€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” β€œBecause…He’s my newt.”

πŸ‘︎ 273
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tibbyias
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Teaching cows to walk on a tightrope is a high-stakes game.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sticky-Wood
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A flasher sees three old ladies on a park bench. He walks up and exposes himself. The first one had a stroke. The second one had a stroke.

The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tupacwolverine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamGuha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender says; "hey, what's with the paper towel?" And the pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remo1975
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head

The bartender asks him why it's there, to which the pirate replies, "Arrr, there be a bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wc93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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