A receding hare line
An itch-hiker.
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"
"umm... what?"
"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"
(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)
and he turns into a bar.
A receding hairline
(shoutout to a client of mine who gave me this banger)
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
But the bar disallows dogs. The one guy says “watch this.” He approaches the bouncer and says with his leashed German Shepard “ this is my seeing eye dog.” He gets in. Second guy tries the same. “This is my seeing eye dog.” The bouncer says, “that’s no seeing eye dog, that’s a chihuahua!” To which the man replies “ they gave me a chihuahua!?!?!?!”
A pokémon.
It’s about dads who walk around the house all day turning off lights and muttering that they’re “not made of money.”
He picked up an acorn and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tree. He said really? I said, well in a nutshell yes.
"Guys, that's our last resort."
A condescending
Con descending
"People like you make me sick!".
One was assaulted.
"That's slander, man."
"Dad, what does being drunk feels like?"
"Well son, you see those four trees over there? If you were drunk, you'd see eight trees."
"Dad, there are only two trees."
JK Rowling
I took it as a sign from above.
I looked back and I was being followed by a coffin. I sped up and so did the coffin. When I couldn't run anymore I searched my pockets for anything to help. I found a few Hall's mentholyptus that I threw at it!! Coffin stopped.
I think that rule is graet.
Sven went up to the barn and said "Ole, I see da sign in your yard. All you have is a tractor and a combine". Ole said "Yep, and der boat for sale!"
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Turns out it was a false salaam.
Then he turned into a shop.
A Roamin (Roman) Catholic
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
"What is thy bidding, my master?" says Darth Vader.
"Order 66."
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
I herded through the grapevine
He was carrying a 19th century French masterpiece under his arm and a cage with 2 baby birds in his hand.
I asked how much they were and he said, "I got my Monet for nothing and the Chicks for free".
It’s a small world.
When one is suddenly assaulted
... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.
Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.
He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.
His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.
Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.
This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.
The moral of this story?
Don't judge a brook by it's clover.
It was a floorless stroll.
But eventually I caved.
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".
The person replied "what?"
> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"
> "WHAT??"
> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"
> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.
And then the penne dropped.
A receding hare line.
One was a salted.
