Walking with... Puns

He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!

I watched it all unfold.

His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

At that moment I knew she was good at raisin children.

...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

She said, "what the heel!"

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

I told him they were my slippers.

She said "What's he doing? Is this normal??? It isn't even Easter".

I said "Oh him? That's Egg-Sell-Ent"

I had grave concerns

I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head

This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...

Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH

Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

This was the last straw

One of them brought up that the government has outlawed really loud fireworks My other friend said: "Really? I havent heard of those" To which I replied: "That's the point"

aye, matey it's driving me nuts!

Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"

I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.

"Have you just killed that elephant?" asked the cannibal. "Yes," replied the pygmy, "I did it with my club." "Wow," replied the cannibal. "You must have a really big club!" "Yes, there are about forty of us!"

As we are getting close to walking into the store we walk past three gentlemen standing outside and one of them is holding some lumber. My father in-law looks at them and says "Must be having an important board meeting, carry on gentlemen".

We died laughing.

I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!'

She thought that was pretty funny.

And I said “no it doesn’t”

All they wanna do is start their day with a bang!

Wife yells: Hey, aren't you going to help??

Me: No, six should be enough

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

I thought “Hey, a third wheel!”

> Me: See that house on the right over there? Your mom and I are moving there to live out our days. > > Daughter: What?... Why? > > Me: So that the entire world will know that we were always on the right side of history.

Many-a-groans were had. I now feel like more of a dad than ever.

However, the cop who saw him, didn't take any action.

I asked why, and the cop responded,

"Never book a judge by its cover."

feels a little sandalous.

Twenty-tree

I can only think of "The bone wanderer", but what I had was better than that and I cant remember it. please make suggestions, and maybe it'll be close enough to spark my memory

He said, "But why?"

I whispered, "Because there's sleeping bags over there."

Someone noticed they all said Karl and asked “What are those?” And the communist responded with “They’re Karl Marx”

Little mary jane just LAUGHED and LAUGHED.... she knew it was only a nickle.

The kids were between four and eight years old and were claiming their spots in the car.

"I'm in the front!" said the boy.

"I'm in the back!" said the girl.

"I'm in the front!" said the dad.

The kids didn't get it but I overheard and had a quiet chuckle.

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"