A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.
I was walking with my son the other day...
He picked up an acorn and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tree. He said really? I said, well in a nutshell yes.
What do cavemen sleep on?
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
2 women in a restaurant, when a duck walks in with a huge bunch of flowers. He places them on the table and says,
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his privite
The bartender asks “ you know you have a steering wheel on your private, right?”
The man replies “I know, it’s driving me NUTS!”
What would you call a walking mosquito?
I was walking with about 100 cows from one ranch to another and I had to pass through a vineyard so
I herded through the grapevine
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
A woman with two left feet walks into a shoe store
She asks the manager, "excuse me, do you have any flop-flops?"
A man was walking down the beach when he saw someone lying on the sand with a banana shoved in the ear.
Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".
The person replied "what?"
> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"
> "WHAT??"
> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"
> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.
Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon..
A man with a guitar walked up to me and said that he had a case of writers block.
What do you call a friend who will even go for a walk with you in the rain to listen to your worries?
A rainbro
(Recommended soundtrack for this joke: Bob Marley: Sun is shining. You’ll see why)
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
Did you hear about the new TV show called The Walking Dad?
It’s about dads who walk around the house all day turning off lights and muttering that they’re “not made of money.”
I wanted to go with my mom when she walked her three dogs after dark.
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic
The nurse asked the rabbit: "what is your blood type?"
"I'm probably a type O" said the rabbit.
Ego and super-ego walk into a bar
A person sees someone walking in the street without a mask. Frustrated, he goes up to him, stops at two meters away and angrily mutters through his mask,
"People like you make me sick!".
What do you call a narcissistic criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending
Con descending
2 peanuts were walking down the road....
A guy sees a pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel in his pants...
He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!
Yesterday, I crossed the road, changed a lightbulb, and walked into a bar.
A pastor, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank, and the nurse asks what blood type they are.
The rabbit says, “I’m probably a Type-O”
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm...
Man: Do you do fishcakes?
Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.
Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
A child and his father are walking down the street when the child asks...
"Dad, what does being drunk feels like?"
"Well son, you see those four trees over there? If you were drunk, you'd see eight trees."
"Dad, there are only two trees."
So you know Gandhi? Walked barefoot, tough feet. Fasted a lot, so he was weak. Prayed a lot, real spiritual. Unfortunately, suffered from bad breath.
In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic suffering from halitosis.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
A pastor, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar
What’s Harry Potter’s favourite way of coming down a hill? Walking...
Comic sans walks into a bar
The bartender says, “we don’t serve your type”
A blind man walks into a bar
And then a table...
And then a chair...
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."
Two big girls walk into a bar
Two big girls walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store:
"Excuse me do you sell flip flips?"
A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks...
"Do you sell flip flips?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks,"Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responds,"Arghhh, it's driving me nuts."
A pirate walks into a bar with a roll of paper towel on his head....
Bartender asks what that's all about.
Pirate says "arrrrrgh, I have a bounty on me head"
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
