Walks Into A Bar Puns

Bartender says “Get out of here! We don’t serve breakfast!”

“One beer please,” says the crab. “But if I am not satisfied I will require a full refund. You may dispute my claim that the beer wasn’t satisfactory at which point we can move to an arbitration process. This agreement is also only between us and I expect full confidentiality.”

“Sure,” says the bartender. “But why the big clause?”

So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,

"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"

Bartender checks his ID, replies with,

"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:

We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."

"POP! Goes the Weasel."

The bartender asks - "Hey isn't that uncomfortable?"

Pirate says "Arrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

They are followed by Batman.

The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”.

"Two beers, please. One for me, and one for the road."

The bartender says to him, “We don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”

So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.

Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. “What did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”

And the rope replies, “A rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”

The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”

And then a table... And then a chair...

And says is this stool taken?

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

They both have a great time.

and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my PAW."

...Mitzvah.

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

..and the 4th one ducks.

and orders everyone a round.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

So he gave it to her.

And now they have cameras.

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE someone replyed mate you dont have enough bullets

and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."

The bear says to the bartender, “I’ll get a whiskey and a....... A beer.”

The bartender says, “Sure man, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear would reply, “I don’t know, man. I was born with them.”

Duck billed platypus.

A guy walks into a bar, spots his buddy and heads over to join him. "What's new?" he asks. "Nothing much. I ordered some chicken drumsticks earlier," his friend says. "Now I just have to find a chicken that knows how to play the drums."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

he got bumped into the chair then second then third then fourth then fifth then sixth...

The first scientist orders H2O, the second scientist orders H2O2 and dies.

Bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve miners....”

What can I get for you bud?”

“Pop” goes the weasel

The bartender says for you no charge

It was a tense moment.

The next guy ducked.

He tells the bartender, “put it on my bill”

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

“Five beers, please”

Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"

The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.

"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender

The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"

and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

And a chair, and the waitress, and some people.

The bartender says, “we don’t serve your type”

The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here"

He looks at the bartender and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

And a table, and a chair

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.