My friend who is a panda makes a terrible father

Because all he does is eats, shoots and leaves

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adam14brfc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Pandas are very violent creatures when they're brought in for visits

Everyone knows a panda eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

β€œHey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, β€œI’m a panda! Google me!”

β€œA tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup_mike
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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So this panda bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then takes out a gun, shoots the piano player, and goes to walk out.

The bartender says what the heck are you doing?

I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up.

So the bartender gets out his dictionary. You know, for settling bets. You didn't have a problem with the piano player, just go with it.

So, sure enough, there it is in the dictionary.

Panda bear, noun. Not a true bear, eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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How does a panda perform a murder at a restaurant?

He eats, shoots and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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A panda walks into a restaurant.

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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A Panda walks into a restaurant...

sits down and orders bamboo. Once he finishes his meal he stands up, pulls two guns from his furry pockets and shoots up at the ceiling not harming anyone. He then drops the guns and walks out. Confused, his waiter runs after him and yells, "Hey bear! What was that all about??!!". The panda says "Look me up." Confused, the waiter looks up "panda" and reads, "A bear that eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbrickem
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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A panda walks into a bar and said I need something to eat

So the bartender gives him a bowl of peanuts. The panda grabs a handful and eats it. He starts walking towards the exit when he shoots up the bar and then proceeds to leave. The bartender says what was that the panda says look it up and throws him a dictionary. Panda eats, shoots, and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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One of my dad's funnier ones..

A panda goes into a restaurant and orders some bamboo for dinner. After he is done he asks the waiter for the bill.

As the waiter approaches he pulls out a semi-automatic and starts opening fire.

The scared and confused waiter asks him why is he doing all this.

The Panda just hands him a dictionary with a bookmark pointing to panda.

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Secrethat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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A Panda Walks Into A Bar

A panda walks into a bar, orders his food, eats it, but when the waiter comes to bring him his check, he pulls out a gun, shoots him, and walks out the door. The next day the panda does the same thing, same bar. The third day the manager is standing at the entrance and says, "What are you doing here? You shot two of my waiters! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" The panda says, "No wait! I just did what I'm supposed to!" The manager looks at him like WTF? But the panda says, "No listen." So he pulls out a dictionary, and it says, "Panda: Eats, shoots, and leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2013
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A panda walks into a bar

He eats shoots and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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Why is a Panda the most dangerous animal?

Because it eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sxcQT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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A panda

A panda walks into a restaurant, he eats, shoots the waiter, and leaves. Someone says, β€œHey! You cant do that!”. The panda replies, β€œThe dictionary says i can”. The people look it up and it says that a panda eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drpresident1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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A panda walks into a bar

He eats shoots and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fapling123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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A bear walks into a bar and says...

... "Give me a whiskey and... Koka-Koala"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugs. "I'm not sure; I was born with them"

The bear's friend, a panda, walks into the bar. He eats a sandwich, shoots a gun and leaves.

"He always eats, shoots and leaves when he comes to my bar! I still don't know why!" The bartender exclaims.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odysseus3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2017
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