Iโ€™ll never date an apostrophe again!

The last one was too possessive.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FoldaHolda
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08
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Iโ€™m a member of the anti apostrophe league.

Do not even get me started.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jspittman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Too many apostrophes for comfort.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/orlanthi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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What do you call a crumb, that you've mistaken for an apostrophe?

An impostrophe

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cyberfunk_Groove
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

Itโ€™ll be a catastrophe.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 195
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Demon names always have apostrophes in them

They show possession.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xwhy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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I named my kid Apostrophe

He was always giving my wife contractions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/forgottencheese1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Possessive apostrophes
๐Ÿ‘︎ 517
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RabbitGuySentMe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2017
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Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....

He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

๐Ÿ‘︎ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/david7494
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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I got into an argument about apostrophes, I don't know what possessed me to do that.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justhereforhides
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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How does a train eat it's dinner?

It chew chews it!?

Credit: My 3 year old, who validated the joke through my 6 year old.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CaptMalReynoldsWrap
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05
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I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
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What do camel's wear when they go to war?

Camelflauge

๐Ÿ‘︎ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Psychadelya
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Did you hear about the punctuation competition?

The winner got an apostrophe.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hideandsheep
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I made a comment about an actresses short hair to my fiancรฉe

Me: "Hmm, I wish I could pull off her short hair, I never could"
Him: "Aw, I'm sure you could. I'll hold her down while you yank it out"
Didn't see that coming.

Edit: thanks guys I didn't realise fiance/e has genders.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lunadoll
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KidsMaker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
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I hear that Samsung are employing security guards at all their stores now...

...does this make them...Guardians of the Galaxy?

:D

Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub.

EDIT: for removal of apostrophe

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scalesthefish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
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Wife texts husband on a cold winterโ€™s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rangatan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TechJay81
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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I asked my wife to say 4 things about me. She said Iโ€™m mature, Iโ€™m polite, Iโ€™m perfect, ...

....And I have no idea how apostrophes and periods work.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Iโ€™m the best contractor.

Thatโ€™s why they gave me the apostrophe :D

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/o0oo00oo0o
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Was painting with the Mrs. last night and...

...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.

So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."

Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Richard_Punch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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Found on google images
๐Ÿ‘︎ 110
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TerkRockerfeller
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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Im nice. I do love all races.

Except running screw running.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OPlang1752
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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How does the Grammar Nazi party fund it's government?

Through a syntax.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cheeriebomb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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If they named schools after their most famous alums.

Actual conversation with my wife this afternoon.

Me: If they named schools after their most famous alum, then I would have gone to "Duane, 'The Rock' Johnson High."

Wife: I suppose so.

Me: Home Economics enrollment would go through the roof.

Wife: confused Why?

Me: So they could smell what The Rock is cooking.

Wife: Oh God, you are SUCH a Dad.

Edit: I apparently can't apostrophe.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AtomicChicken
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 17 2015
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Dad's like my joke. Mom's don't.

My son came out of his room one night very upset. He said he scared because he was going to die someday and he didn't want to die. I told him, "Don't worry about death. Someday you will get married, after that you'll never be afraid of death again." This actually calmed him down, although it upset my wife for some reason.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cry2Laugh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
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Never date an apostrophe.

They're too possessive.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 61
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/imabookwyrm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Why should you never date an apostrophe?

They're too possessive!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bakedschwarzenbach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I'll never date another apostrophe.

The last one was too possessive.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheStabbingHobo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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I'll never date another apostrophe...

...the last one was too possessive.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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