Bar Puns

The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”

Bartender says “Get out of here! We don’t serve breakfast!”

“One beer please,” says the crab. “But if I am not satisfied I will require a full refund. You may dispute my claim that the beer wasn’t satisfactory at which point we can move to an arbitration process. This agreement is also only between us and I expect full confidentiality.”

“Sure,” says the bartender. “But why the big clause?”

I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

Free boos.

So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,

"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"

Bartender checks his ID, replies with,

"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:

We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."

"POP! Goes the Weasel."

They are followed by Batman.

The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”.

"Two beers, please. One for me, and one for the road."

The bartender says to him, “We don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”

So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.

Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. “What did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”

And the rope replies, “A rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”

The other one ducks.

Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.

God, my life is a joke.

So, I asked him: What’s up with the paper towels?

The Pirate said: Aarrr, I have a Bounty on my head

And says is this stool taken?

And then a table... And then a chair...

wealthcome aboard.

The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?” “No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

They were out of Control.

Luckily I found an Escape.

I got Home eventually.

and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my PAW."

They both have a great time.

...Mitzvah.

It snickers

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

and orders everyone a round.

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

..and the 4th one ducks.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

So he gave it to her.

And now they have cameras.

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE someone replyed mate you dont have enough bullets

and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."

1 was a salted.

The bear says to the bartender, “I’ll get a whiskey and a....... A beer.”

The bartender says, “Sure man, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear would reply, “I don’t know, man. I was born with them.”

A bar attender

Duck billed platypus.

A guy walks into a bar, spots his buddy and heads over to join him. "What's new?" he asks. "Nothing much. I ordered some chicken drumsticks earlier," his friend says. "Now I just have to find a chicken that knows how to play the drums."

But they didn't planet.

That’s me eliminated from the limbo championship.

and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

And a chair, and the waitress, and some people.

The bartender says, “we don’t serve your type”

The rabbit looks at the priest and preacher then says "I think I am a typo".

The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here"