Olive Bar Pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpenSourcePro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

β€œIt’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

β€œJust call me Hoff”, he replied.

β€œSure”, said the bartender, β€œno hassle”.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
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A pastor, priest and rabbi walk into a bar
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
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A perfectionist walked into a bar.

Apparently, it wasn't set high enough.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/R4yvex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
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I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nnishanth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27
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An untalented gymast walks into a bar.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
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A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"

The bartender asked "why the big pause"

The bear replies "I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillRespectively1
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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A polar bear walked into a bar.

β€œA rum and...................... coke please." He asked.

"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"

"I was born with them", answered the bear.

πŸ‘︎ 318
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
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What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?

Lettuce pray.

*very proud of this joke, wrote it yeas ago and it still makes me laugh every time. 😎

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raindawg75
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
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Two Germans are a bar in London

"Two martinis, please."

"Dry?"

"NEIN, ZWEI!"

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
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A mime in my town was arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
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What do you call an opera with a bar in it?

A Soap Opera.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Anubis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
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A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.

He shouts, β€œA beer please! And one for the road!”

πŸ‘︎ 525
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Big-Man-J
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
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Two elves walk into a bar.

A hobbit laughs and walks right under.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZealousidealRise7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
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A jumper cable walks into a bar

The bartender said, you can come in, just don't start anything

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wantsumCHEESE
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Did you know the Norwegian Navy place bar codes on their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavyin.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
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I went to a nail bar the other day...

I got hammered

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arcadianchef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars. I asked if I could have 2. He said...

"No. You can taek-won-do."

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VentilatedEgg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
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An epidemiologist, a scientist, and a doctor walk into a bar...

Just kidding, they know better.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drichatx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
Why do ghosts hang out at bars?

Because they like boos

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
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An Optimist and a Pessimist Walk into a Bar

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffafa42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
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Thor, Loki, and Odin walked into a bar.

I ducked

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terrariamemes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
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Two Guys Walked Into A Bar....

The Third Guy Ducked.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishMan5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
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A horse enters a bar and orders a drink.

When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, β€œI don’t think I do...” and vanished from existence.

To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory β€œI think, therefore I am.” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.

<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>

... I’ll show myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techsavior
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink

The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snickerdoodlydo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineersAnon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
The past,The present and The future entered a bar

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onowl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
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Three guys walk into a bar

I’m surprised none of them saw it

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
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Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlayerMig
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's a coincidence

πŸ‘︎ 998
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesabermaniac
πŸ“…︎ May 12
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says β€œWow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

β€œPop.” Goes the weasel.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Hard_Feelings_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
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My local karaoke bar has just banned all Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Bing Crosby songs …

to prevent the spread of the crooner virus.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 353
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28
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Announcement In Bar

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .9mm Smith and Western with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A deep voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks,”What’s with the steering wheel?”

To which the pirate replies,”Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts.”

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedudeman144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
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A man walked into a bar

And knocked himself out

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
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A blind man walked into a bar.

And a table. And a door frame.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
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A man walks into a bar

Another man walks into a bar

........

A midget walks under the bar

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/double_tap_00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
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This guy walks into a bar...

He has a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at him and says β€œDude, why do you have a a pig under your arm?”

The guy says β€œin case I want a quick snort!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTBoy44
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...

I’m afraid someone roofied me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
I set the bar pretty low…

Because I like to do the limbo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guzhogi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
Okay so two whales walk into a bar. One whale goes β€œARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO” (whale sound)

The other one goes β€œShut up Phil you’re drunk”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woofer-of-Wisdom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar...

The rabbit says, β€œI think I might be a typo.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boom223
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
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Mushroom walks into a bar

Bartender says: β€œHey! We don’t serve your lame kind!” Mushroom says: β€œCome on! I’m a fungi!”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
Mashed up dates, chocolate chips, peanut butter, granola, almonds....delicious homemade granola bars
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
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A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.

The barman replies β€œsorry mate we only do plain”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clubdrop14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar

He hurts his head

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PitedApollo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
🚨︎ report
A skeleton walks into a bar

He orders a beer and a mop

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilboba22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
I heard a rumour Cadbury have created a new oriental chocolate bar..

Could be a chinese Wispa

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eam2646
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "how much?"

The bartender replies "For you? No charge."

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahiraMalik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
E-flat walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says,

β€œI’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
Why was the German boy sad when sister ran away with his 3-Musketeers Candy Bar ??

Because he was Far-from-nougat!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad11ama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
I wanna know where that bar is.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar....

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar....

The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"

The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of auto correct."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wish14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
An epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist all walk into a bar.

Just kidding. They know better.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
A blind guy walks into a bar

Ouch

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar

Bartender says β€œget out of here, we don’t serve breakfast!”

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar...

Lucky bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
A roman man walks into a bar...

He shows the barman 2 fingers and says " Five beers please"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoatHangerCLinic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
🚨︎ report
What do you dall a new orleans bar in greyscale?

A grey nola bar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-BTFraggerCS-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
A trillion neutrinos walk into a bar

One says "ouch"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alaskan_Lost
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "One whiskey and ................... one coke.

"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.

"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.

πŸ‘︎ 965
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
3 Irishmen walk in to a bar.

You would think the 3rd one would have ducked.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back

Good old Boomer Aang

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
What does a pirate order in a Vietnamese bar

Pho Hoe Hoe and a bottle of rum

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dathedrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire says to the bartender, β€œI’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says β€œI’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, β€œI’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, β€œSo, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle.

Bartender: Do you mind if I ask why you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate: Arrrrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
Two man walk into a bar

The third one ducks .

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanshu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar...

The bartender says: β€œSorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
Past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanAhJustSay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
A pair of underwear walked into the bar, ordered a drink, and began to tell the bartender a story. He went on and on and on.

The bartender interrupted him and said, "Hey can you make this brief?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ht_86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks, "How much?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuardianoftheVoid
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
Pete, Pete, and Repeat walk into a bar

Pete takes a few too many shots and gets sent home in a cab, Pete gets into a fight and taken to the drunk tank for the night.. who's left?

Repeat.

... Pete, Pete and repeat walk into a bar...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NunYaBizzNas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
Max Planck and Zeno of Elea get into a huge bar fight over a slight disagreement. Who won?

Planck, but not by much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2shoesnotfellows
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wB68
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.

He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says β€œno, the steaks are too high”.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tugboattt
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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The Sahara desert walks into a bar.

The barman says "long time no sea."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BookerGinger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
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Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
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The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pomfritten__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
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A peanut walked into a bar.

It was assaulted.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chilibabies2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
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I saw this come across the ticker at a sports bar I work at.

What is a sharks favorite illegal substance?

>!Reefer!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shooception
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
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Did you hear about when George Michael dropped a chocolate bar?

He was Careless with his Wispa

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fandam_YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
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A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NOTLD1990
πŸ“…︎ May 04
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A seal waddles into a bar...

The bartender asks,"What will it be mr. Seal?"

He replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
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In my town they arrested a mime that got into a bar fight and broke his left arm...

He still has the right to remain silent...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JosephBarnacle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
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What do you call an opera with a bar in it?

A Soap Opera.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Anubis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
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A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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