Olive Bar Pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpenSourcePro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt

The man says to the bartender β€œ1 for me, and 1 for the road”

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ May 17
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Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar...

Bartender says β€œGet out of here! We don’t serve breakfast!”

πŸ‘︎ 324
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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A crab walks into a bar

β€œOne beer please,” says the crab. β€œBut if I am not satisfied I will require a full refund. You may dispute my claim that the beer wasn’t satisfactory at which point we can move to an arbitration process. This agreement is also only between us and I expect full confidentiality.”

β€œSure,” says the bartender. β€œBut why the big clause?”

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyCatlc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
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I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 20
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Who do ghosts like to haunt bars?

Free boos.

πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemesis0884
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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Under-age Weasel walks into a bar... orders a drink.

So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,

"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"

Bartender checks his ID, replies with,

"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:

We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."

"POP! Goes the Weasel."

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlienOpium
πŸ“…︎ May 31
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A termite walks into a bar

and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-muthamae
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
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15 sodium atoms walk into a bar.

They are followed by Batman.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatrixReaper
πŸ“…︎ May 23
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A priest, a bishop, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says β€œI think I’m a typo”.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ May 25
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says...

"Two beers, please. One for me, and one for the road."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crazehness
πŸ“…︎ May 31
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A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says to him, β€œWe don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”

So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.

Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. β€œWhat did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”

And the rope replies, β€œA rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiFiGuy197
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..

The other one ducks.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWhizzleteat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
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A perfectionist walked into a bar.

Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.

πŸ‘︎ 383
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ May 11
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Ego and super-ego walk into a bar
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buy_More_Bitcoin
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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Yesterday, I crossed the road, changed a lightbulb, and walked into a bar.

God, my life is a joke.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ace4Pace
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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A pirate walked into a bar with a roll of paper towels on his head...

So, I asked him: What’s up with the paper towels?

The Pirate said: Aarrr, I have a Bounty on my head

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
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A dung beetle walks into a bar

And says is this stool taken?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 24
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A blind man walks into a bar

And then a table... And then a chair...

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
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A blind man walks into a bar

And a chair, and the waitress, and some people.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PHDIKOULAS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
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What did the captain say to the bar of gold boarding the ship?

wealthcome aboard.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ibrahim_MK
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
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A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

The bar tender says β€œwow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks β€œand the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds β€œwell we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, β€œok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds β€œI was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says β€œthat made you lose your eye?” β€œNo” says the pirate β€œit was my first day with the hook!”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
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A pastor, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
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Comic sans walks into a bar

The bartender says, β€œwe don’t serve your type”

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManCaveGamer2
πŸ“…︎ May 05
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I went to a warehouse that held replacement keyboard keys. Huge bins overflowing with letters, numbers, function keys, boxes blocking the aisles full of arrows, and Windows and Apple keys. Space bars everywhere!

They were out of Control.

Luckily I found an Escape.

I got Home eventually.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phelyan
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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A three legged dog walks into a bar...

and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my PAW."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainReductio
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
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Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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A Jewish guy walks into a bar...

...Mitzvah.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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How does a candy bar laugh

It snickers

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whyitdoiexist
πŸ“…︎ May 24
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Two big girls walk into a bar

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies *"Wales!"*

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillerTomatoes6
πŸ“…︎ May 04
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A man with authority walks into a bar...

and orders everyone a round.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17
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3 guys walk into a bar..

..and the 4th one ducks.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelittlesthobo01
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
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A rabbit, a priest, and a preacher walk it to a bar.

The rabbit looks at the priest and preacher then says "I think I am a typo".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackalsclaw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
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A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22
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A woman walks into a bar. β€œI’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. β€œMake it a double.”

So he gave it to her.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
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As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips

And now they have cameras.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flebrolo
πŸ“…︎ May 23
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Well, this one hit the bar
πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SassyCutlet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
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Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here"

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toku-Nation
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
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A man walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says

WHO FUCKED MY WIFE someone replyed mate you dont have enough bullets

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AUGUST_THE_CUNT
πŸ“…︎ May 19
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"A guy walks into a bar...

and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PersonWalker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
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2 packets of crisps walk out of a bar....

1 was a salted.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
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So a bear walks into a bar.

The bear says to the bartender, β€œI’ll get a whiskey and a....... A beer.”

The bartender says, β€œSure man, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear would reply, β€œI don’t know, man. I was born with them.”

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5x13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
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What do you call someone that visits a lot of bars?

A bar attender

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSilverFudge
πŸ“…︎ May 08
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10
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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar, spots his buddy and heads over to join him. "What's new?" he asks. "Nothing much. I ordered some chicken drumsticks earlier," his friend says. "Now I just have to find a chicken that knows how to play the drums."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn't planet.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
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After a year of lockdown and waiting, I just walked into a bar.

That’s me eliminated from the limbo championship.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 20
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