“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff”, he replied.
“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.
Apparently, it wasn't set high enough.
The odds were against me.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
“A rum and...................... coke please." He asked.
"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them", answered the bear.
*very proud of this joke, wrote it yeas ago and it still makes me laugh every time. 😎
"Two martinis, please."
He still has the right to remain silent.
A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.
The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.
He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”
The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.
The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.
The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.
But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.
The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, “Why?”
The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door... keep reading on reddit ➡
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
A hobbit laughs and walks right under.
The bartender said, you can come in, just don't start anything
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavyin.
"No. You can taek-won-do."
Just kidding, they know better.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, “I don’t think I do...” and vanished from existence.
To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory “I think, therefore I am.” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.
<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>
... I’ll show myself out.
The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
I’m surprised none of them saw it
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian
The difference is staggering.
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
“Pop.” Goes the weasel.
to prevent the spread of the crooner virus.
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bar... keep reading on reddit ➡
A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .9mm Smith and Western with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A deep voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"
To which the pirate replies,”Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts.”
And a table. And a door frame.
Another man walks into a bar
A midget walks under the bar
He has a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at him and says “Dude, why do you have a a pig under your arm?”
The guy says “in case I want a quick snort!”
I’m afraid someone roofied me
The other one goes “Shut up Phil you’re drunk”
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
Bartender says: “Hey! We don’t serve your lame kind!” Mushroom says: “Come on! I’m a fungi!”
The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
Could be a chinese Wispa
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
“I’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”
Because he was Far-from-nougat!
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar....
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of auto correct."
Just kidding. They know better.
Bartender says “get out of here, we don’t serve breakfast!”
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"
The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.
"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.
Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.
A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"
The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.
Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.
He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."
She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mi... keep reading on reddit ➡
He shows the barman 2 fingers and says " Five beers please"
A grey nola bar.
"Why the big pause?" - says the bartender.
"I don't know. I was born with them" - says the bear.
You would think the 3rd one would have ducked.
Good old Boomer Aang
Pho Hoe Hoe and a bottle of rum
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
Bartender: Do you mind if I ask why you have a steering wheel on your belt buckle? Pirate: Arrrrg, it’s drivin’ me nuts.
The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
It was tense.
The bartender interrupted him and said, "Hey can you make this brief?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Pete takes a few too many shots and gets sent home in a cab, Pete gets into a fight and taken to the drunk tank for the night.. who's left?
... Pete, Pete and repeat walk into a bar...
Planck, but not by much.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
The barman says "long time no sea."
The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."
The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.
"How??" Demands the first one.
"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."
"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.
"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"
It was tense.
What is a sharks favorite illegal substance?
He was Careless with his Wispa
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
The bartender asks,"What will it be mr. Seal?"
He replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club!"
He still has the right to remain silent...