A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says we don't serve food here
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
I put my root beer in a square glass
Why did the rabbit spill its beer?
Why do frogs taste like beer?
Cause they are full of hops.
What kind of beer does a vampire drink?
Why does beer make you have to pee so fast?
It doesn’t have to stop and change color.
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts
Beer nuts are a $1:37. Deer nuts are under a buck.
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
Drinking beer with a philosopher....
Makes you nothing Budweiser.
Beer is like the sun...
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
How do you know when someone can't hold their beer?
When they bring a coaster.
Son: What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?
Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why.
Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein
Me: That son of a bitch!
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
They finally caught the guy who's been putting hot sauce in beer mugs
His name: Dr. Frank's-in-stein.
Whats a pirate's favorite beer?
A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer
Out of the blue the husband says, “ I love you”
“ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife
“It’s me” says the husband “talking to the Beer”
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer
The barman says what's it with the long face
What does a beer taste without yeast in it?
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
I poured root beer in a square glass, now I have only beer
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of beer on her head playing pool?
Why did Covid not get a beer at the bar?
My friend thinks drinking beer makes him more intelligent.
I don’t think that makes my Budweiser.
What does a Rastafarian use to keep his beer cool in the hot tub?
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
Did you hear about the penguin that couldn't order a beer sampler?
He was a flightless bird.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: "Sorry we done serve food here."
Mushroom: "Come on, I'm a fungi..."
PS. I know a similar joke was recently posted, but I've always loved this two parter version.
Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.
The wife said "was it murder"?
The officer said "no madam it was suicide"
The wife said how" can you tell"?
The police said -
"On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"
When I worked at the Haunted Mansion, a guest once asked me if we had any beer available.
I said, "No. We only have spirits here."
Did you guys hear Ozzy Osbourne drank root beer in space?
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.47, deer nuts are under a buck.
Made this joke up in the 3rd grade (you can't tell by the pricing). I'm very old now. Still a winner.
Why do Germans love beer so much?
Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - “what’ll you have?” Bear says “I’ll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.” Bartender says “alright. Say what’s with the big pause?”
Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Did you know that Prophet Moses invented beer?
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.
I put my root beer in a square glass
I like to eat frogs, they taste like beer
Because they’re full of hops
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
(very slightly vulgar) What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer nuts are just over five dollars, deer nuts are only under a buck.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve food here!"
I poured root beer into a square glass
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