As best man at my brother's wedding, I gave the couple a bread basket with a champagne flavored jam...

They seemed to enjoy my wedding toast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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A kid hit me with a bottle of wine, what a champagne in the ass

And then I hit him back and he kept on WINEing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JyCKatharsis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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I couldn’t open my champagne last night

Until I used Brut force

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadBoi4lyf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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Champagne (colour) supernova (car) if anyone didn’t know
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC097
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Have you heard about the baseball player that only drank champagne?

His name was Rosè Prosecco.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blylan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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The opera singer destroyed the champagne flutes that might have incriminated her, by singing til it shattered...

She was convicted of Timbre-ing with evidence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michael-freddy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
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Last night a girl invited me to her place for some champagne

It turned out it was real pain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/command_613
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Champagne Toast

Girlfriend: "Who's ready for the champagne toast?" Me: "No thanks, I'll just have some butter on my toast."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmytroll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Did you know 10 + 10 and 11 + 11 are the same?

10 + 10 is twenty and 11 + 11 is also twenty two

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burping_purple
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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What does a person who fakes injuries like to drink?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boofaka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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When I came in at work this morning, my boss told me my breath smelled like wine.

Ofcourse it does! With my salary I can't afford any Champagne!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Once upon a time, a setup went to a ball.

At the ball were many important people, well above the setup’s class. There was Original Content, Reposts, and even a couple from Google Searches for β€˜Dad Jokes Nobody Knows’.

Just seeing them made his mouth dry, so he began looking for something to drink. He knew his friend Joke was there somewhere, part of the crew catering the food and drinks. Seeing a server carrying glasses of champagne, he went up to him and asked,

β€œWould you know where to find the one they call the Joke? He’s supposed to be running drinks I think,”

β€œYeah! For sure. He’s right over there! You’ll find him at the end of the punch line,”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmicnate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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What do you drink for a fake injury?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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My parents moved into the house today

So my parents got their occupancy permit, and my dad said "you should pick up a bottle of champagne on the way so your mother and you can celebrate!" I said "I'll bring a bag of bread, so we can have a toast"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Guess I'm never going to wine tasting again.

Instructor: Only true champagne comes from Champagne Italy, everything else is called sparkling wine.

raise my hand

Me: where are these ones from?

Instructor: Those three are from California.

Me: So the rest of these are just Sham-pagnes?

Whole room groans, gf says she's never taking me to these again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DirtyMcCurdy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: β€œHey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: β€œWhat, George?”

A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. β€œEvenin’” says the barman, β€œwhy the long face?”

A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: β€œWait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: β€œThis alright?” The barman says: β€œHmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: β€œI shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” β€œWhy, what have you got?” β€œAbout Β£2 and a carrot.”

Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours

A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!

A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

β€œI’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. β€œWe don’t serve spirits..

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. β€œExcuse me, good sir,” the horse says, β€œare you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, β€œSorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. β€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?”

Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.

What did the horse say when it fell? β€œI’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.

Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!

What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?

What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Where were you while we were getting high?

So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.

So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.

There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.

They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"

"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaudette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
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My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
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I think I have a drinking problem.

I've not eat or drunk anything but Champagne ALL YEAR.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArsenicToaster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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My boss just got me with this one...

Corporate announcement: "...after the reception there will be cake and champagne toast."

Boss: I've hear of Soda Bread, but how did they make Champagne Toast?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thismightberyan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Wife was experiencing a little pain so I asked her if she knew what was the best kind of pain.


She came back with "Au bon pain?"

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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Co-Worker Said This One

1st person: You got me champagne!

2nd person: Better than real pain!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrOCD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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Jackie's leaving for college and dad wants to have a toast!

"Let's crack open a bottle of champagne and have a toast! ...oh we don't have any? Pull out the toaster and we'll have a toast!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsmrgomez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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