Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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Glass bottle recycling truck in my home town
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misrdanskellinika
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....

Grapeful.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?

Attempted Hummus-ide.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills

Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...

I am now in hospital, waiting to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I feel bad for fizzy drink bottles

Their life is soda pressing.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.

I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiverMeeTimberz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?

"Don't look! I'm dressing!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?

100%

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepyBear1010
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.

I love my Christian Heavy Metal.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GerbilSpanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night

If only you could see me now

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.

She thought that might knock some scents into him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewThinks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Why do the British leave out the β€˜t’ in β€˜bottle’?

The tea’s implied

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InFinnity1203
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules

Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle

I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psikomanjak
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...

That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?

whispers I think it's becoming scentient

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigshotstorm43
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Betcha $5 I can move that bottle with my mind...

"No way, dad!"

knocks bottle over with hands My mind controls my hands. Now where's my $5?!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I once dated a bottle of lemonade

She really Schwepped me off my feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Book800
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...

For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?

Everyone loves smooth saline!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you fill a shampoo bottle with chocolate sauce?

Sham poo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KlydesHail
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.

It's left me scratching my head to be honest.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
*holds water bottle* You see this? *drops water bottle*

Waterfall

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vissthebeast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the bottle shop the other day on my bicycle...

bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the whiskey and then rode home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega-3 and it hit my forehead

I have super fish oil injuries.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uglyric
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.

He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.

The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? Β£50, that is all."

The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I'd rather have a full bottle in front o' me...

Than a full frontal labotomy

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihaveam0ustache
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When I want to experience intense ecstatic happiness, I reach for the bottle of dish washing liquid...

I like to feel Joy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me!

I was like what the Helman!!!

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

πŸ‘︎ 675
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sekearney95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.

Another day, another Dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a collectors bottle of sake from a Japanese restaurant

It was a keepsake

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex...

It stopped me from streaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manda00710
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?

He was done for possession of coke.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a water bottle's favorite game to play?

Follow the litre.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Dad say to the bottle of water?

Hydrogen oxide, I'm Dad

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banks987
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,

Just needed something to lift my spirits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/den_nis3524
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine?

It has a cork in it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leatherfrog
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.

She took it as a condiment.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Opening a bottle of wine is easy

But it’s also easy to screw it up

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJNotMyRealName
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?

"Don't look! I'm dressing!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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