Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Glass bottle recycling truck in my home town
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︎ Jan 11 2021
If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....
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︎ Dec 18 2020
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...
I am now in hospital, waiting to be seen.
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︎ Nov 16 2020
I feel bad for fizzy drink bottles
Their life is soda pressing.
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︎ Dec 04 2020
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
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︎ Dec 24 2020
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
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︎ Nov 30 2020
I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.
I love my Christian Heavy Metal.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night
If only you could see me now
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.
She thought that might knock some scents into him.
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Why do the British leave out the βtβ in βbottleβ?
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︎ Oct 26 2020
This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
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︎ Nov 16 2020
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
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︎ Oct 22 2020
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
whispers I think it's becoming scentient
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︎ Sep 26 2020
Betcha $5 I can move that bottle with my mind...
"No way, dad!"
knocks bottle over with hands My mind controls my hands. Now where's my $5?!
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︎ Oct 09 2020
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
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︎ Aug 14 2020
I once dated a bottle of lemonade
She really Schwepped me off my feet.
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︎ Sep 27 2020
Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...
For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!
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︎ Sep 29 2020
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?
Everyone loves smooth saline!
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︎ Sep 04 2020
What do you get if you fill a shampoo bottle with chocolate sauce?
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︎ Sep 20 2020
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
*holds water bottle* You see this? *drops water bottle*
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
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︎ Aug 27 2019
I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.
He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.
The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? Β£50, that is all."
The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"
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︎ Jul 25 2020
I'd rather have a full bottle in front o' me...
Than a full frontal labotomy
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︎ Aug 15 2020
When I want to experience intense ecstatic happiness, I reach for the bottle of dish washing liquid...
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︎ Aug 03 2020
Someone threw a bottle of mayo at me!
I was like what the Helman!!!
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︎ May 06 2020
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
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︎ Dec 29 2019
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator
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︎ Jun 24 2020
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
I bought a collectors bottle of sake from a Japanese restaurant
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︎ Apr 21 2020
I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex...
It stopped me from streaking.
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︎ May 12 2020
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
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︎ Jan 20 2020
What is a water bottle's favorite game to play?
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︎ May 30 2020
What did Dad say to the bottle of water?
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︎ Apr 07 2020
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didnβt have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
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︎ Feb 16 2020
Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine?
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︎ May 01 2020
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.
She took it as a condiment.
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︎ Mar 14 2020
Opening a bottle of wine is easy
But itβs also easy to screw it up
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︎ May 01 2020
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
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︎ Dec 07 2020
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules
Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries
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︎ Aug 25 2020
I went to the bottle shop the other day on my bicycle...
bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off my bike, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the whiskey and then rode home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home!
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︎ Aug 20 2020
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega-3 and it hit my forehead
I have super fish oil injuries.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
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