I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
Which type of bee produces milk?

Boo bees

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/no1krampus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
"Son, what're you drinking" "Soy milk"

"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/romben1
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
What kind of Bees produce milk?

Boo-bees

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy35365
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Wife: Can you pick up milk?

Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah

Wife: No, I mean at the store.

Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...

πŸ‘︎ 194
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rancherrick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter !

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
My son just threw a milk carton at me

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 546
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SircFGC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
What kind of bees make milk?

Boo bees.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lily_louise
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
The doctor insisted I take a milk bath, so I asked her if it need to be pasteurized...

She said no, just above the knees.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spanky2222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
Some guy threw milk at me today.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freakydude2298
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the corruption scandal in the milk company?

Turns out they were skimming a bit off the top.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrF3lix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice

They were really sour about it

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Angoram
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
How often does the Japanese supermarket restock their milk supply?

Dairy

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/McSteer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
Milk

Did you hear about the milk that went to the moon?

It was Legen-dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
A programmer's wife tells him: "While you're at the store, get some milk".

He never comes back.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dummy_149
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that they genetically engineered a milk cow to have no teats?

It was udderly pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HwackAMole
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk

An udder failure

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notafuddu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk

It's udderly terrible

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jurica1306
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag?

Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."

"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
There's probably an easier to pour milk out of a carton that doesn't involve ripping the top off and spilling it everywhere,

but I refuse to cut corners

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jezzter88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
You have milk on your lip...

Nice mooostache

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arrakis_Surfer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
I have a farmer friend who heats his milk products to 212 degrees Fahrenheit using cow chips...

Yep. It's called pasture-ized milk.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...

I told her to please leave it in the jug.

My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D

The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LS-CRX
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
i'll go get milk

i'll be back in 10 minutes

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.

I soya do it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdavidwright
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
What is a tea made using breast milk called?

TTT

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hang-me-im-guilty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22
🚨︎ report
How do they milk oats?

So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.

I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"

My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"

I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?

An udder disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lin-Duh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
The missus asked me if I thought of other women so i threw a glass of milk at her.

That's the last time we are ever playing truth or dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
One astronaut says to another β€œI can’t find any milk for my coffee”

The other astronaut replies β€œIn space no one can, here use cream”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
With the onset of age, I'm forgetting really simple things, like the fact that cheese is made from milk.

Previously it would've a curd to me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
🚨︎ report
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.

They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you make tea with some breast milk?

TTT

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hang-me-im-guilty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call bees that can produce milk?

Boobeez

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ikeroner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
Did you know the Roman armies sold milk products wherever they went?

People still talk about it today. It was Legion Dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/developerweeks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old cousin told me that cows make milk. So naturally I told her the brown cows make chocolate milk. And her jaw hit the floor. I then told her that pink cows make strawberry milk and then she caught me in my lie and said...

No, pigs do that!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball_hawk15
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
Bad milk
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?

Me: no, leave it in the jug.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pear_tree_gifting
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
What kind of milk do you get from footless cows?

Lack-toes!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1derin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.

She looked at me and said, β€œI’m having a T party.”

I chortled.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swAnsonWannabe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
Our grocery delivery driver told us one of the milk cartons got damaged and leaked into the bag.

My 15yr old son picked up the first bag, which had a long vegetable sticking out and said "I've found the leek, dad."

Proud dad moment.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me...

I thought, how dairy

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
What sort of bees make milk?

Boobies

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueBoy1515
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Why was the milk so relaxed?

It was chilling in the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Physicsboy2018
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
If I ever made an epic company for milk and cheese, I'd call it legend-dairy.
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Influenz-B
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
I've just been attacked by the milkman. He threw milk at me.

How dairy!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
What insects produce milk?

Boo Bees

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the story about a glass of milk that saved the world once?

It was legend dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can’t the club footed nazi drink milk?

Because he lacks toes and tolerance

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jferini
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
What’s the hardest part about making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cows across a lake.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jqzzy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
I love almond milk.

It’s unlike any udder milk.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
What do you call illegal, fermented milk?

Mooshine.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsaFrozen2013
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Milk has freedom of thought when angry.

They just want to get out of container when they're boiling.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that cannot produce milk?

An udder failure

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punderants
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
Have you ever tried to milk a cow that has been cut in half?

Udder madness.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
Why do some Middle Easterners like sour milk?

It's curdish.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diehardpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
What kind of bee makes milk?

A Boobie!! Ahahah

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyRacey
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Typing the word milk is alright.

That’s all I got and I did it in like four different posts.

I regret nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
Among the different forms of milk, my favourite is when it is churned.

It’s butter that way.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese.

How dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPoon23
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What type of Bees make Milk?

Boo-Bees

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lindomontoya
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
I have to go to the Dam Store again. Forgot the milk
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThackerOpinions
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
I’ve got milk that has 100% calcium

It is called whole milk

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aditya_Kabu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
What's the most difficult thing about producing skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across a lake.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackBoxall1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.

Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
"hey you forgot to get milk."

"Sorry I must've skimmed past it."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blitzerxyz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
So regular bees make honey, but what type of bees make milk?

Boo-bees.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToniofhouseStark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
Where is the best place to get camel milk?

Straight from the Dromedairy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unicycleguy06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
Dad, is this your milk?

No sweety. It's cows milk.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toromio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?

It comes in at one end, and out the udder

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattBatz1991
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When the first guy drank cow milk, society was probably like, "ughh, how dairy."

Dairy = dare he

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_By_Pun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Was looking for some coconut milk, wasn't disappointed
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/taekookgi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
What do two people have when they both like to boil leaves in water, add milk, and put it into the freezer?

Solid-dairy-tea!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate_Lynx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
What kind of bees produce milk ?

Boo bees

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ass_Shack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If a cow doesn’t produce milk, it’s both an udder failure, and a milk dud.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superflyguy87
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth;

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

πŸ‘︎ 751
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Milk is the fastest dairy product.

It’s pasteurized before you ever see it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boyleolio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
Why did Hitler only drink milk for breakfast?

He hated juice.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dunn_with_this
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
Why was the milk scared for the cheese?

cuz it is shredded

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
I was at the museum and saw a painting of a bowl, with milk and some kind of food inside.

It was surreal.

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NameTheTrait
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee

Better latte than never I suppose

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
what type of bees produce milk?

boo-bees :)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hxshmii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
Why did the milk fall over?

It's difficult to stand when you lactose!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stdoubtloud
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
What do you calling it when your in milk up to you're eybrows

Pasteurize (past your eyes)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, β€œGet a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, β€œThey had eggs.”

edit: I know guys, I know, it’s supposed to be 13, I messed up the wording, please forgive me

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManicMonocle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of Bees produce milk instead of honey?

Boobies

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does all Canadian milk come from?

Cowgary

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salz12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
Oh no, the milk's gone bad again! imgur.com/gallery/f96nv7Q
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mesajom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of bees make milk ?

Boo-bees

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justaguy689
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know electronics stores sell milk?

Mine says it's from Best By.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
The cashier asked if I wanted my milk in a bag

I told her to just leave it in the jug

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ktulu92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report

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