Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head.
It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Tesla just announced theyβll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
Itβs called Elonβs Musk
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
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︎ Apr 26 2021
The act of christening a ship by breaking a bottle of champagne against it should be called 'Shiptoasting'.
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Looking at a bottle of Molasses got me thinking...
What do they do with the rest of the mole?
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.
She took it as a condiment.
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Iβve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.
π︎ 135
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︎ Mar 21 2021
What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?
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︎ Apr 02 2021
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
π︎ 404
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︎ Feb 09 2021
I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...
He replied, "oui shall sΓ."
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︎ Mar 05 2021
On my pill bottle it says, "Take I pill daily and keep away from children."
Why!! What happens to children after I've taken my pill ?
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 07 2021
On average how much should you spend on a bottle of wine ?
Oooooh!! About 10 minutes.
π︎ 24
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︎ Mar 12 2021
At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."
My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."
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︎ Mar 23 2021
Those small packets of ketchup are here because the big bottles didn't know what a condiment.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
so someone threw a bottle of mayo at me, ...
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︎ Feb 09 2021
My doctor told me to drink two bottles of red wine after a hot bath...
But I canβt even finish drinking the hot bath
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 26 2021
If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....
π︎ 41
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I can't recycle a broken window with regular glass bottles in my town.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 20 2021
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...
I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Why do they condition hospital I.V. bottles?
Because everyone loves smooth saline!
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wifeβs water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...
This is the straw that broke the Camelback
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...
I am now in hospital, waiting to be seen.
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︎ Nov 16 2020
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 18 2020
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 06 2020
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...
I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?
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︎ Oct 27 2020
I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.
I love my Christian Heavy Metal.
π︎ 30
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night
If only you could see me now
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Why do the British leave out the βtβ in βbottleβ?
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 26 2020
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
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︎ Oct 22 2020
This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
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︎ Nov 16 2020
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Aug 27 2019
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
whispers I think it's becoming scentient
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︎ Sep 26 2020
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
I once dated a bottle of lemonade
She really Schwepped me off my feet.
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 27 2020
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
π︎ 557
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I've trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills
Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil
π︎ 66
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules
Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries
π︎ 68
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︎ Aug 25 2020
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 06 2020
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
π︎ 39
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?
Everyone loves smooth saline!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
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