Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Big_Green_Grill_Bro
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2021
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Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head.

It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Alternative-Thanks37
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2021
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Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold

It’s called Elon’s Musk

πŸ‘οΈŽ 221
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JonSolo1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2021
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My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.

I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 26 2021
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The act of christening a ship by breaking a bottle of champagne against it should be called 'Shiptoasting'.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BarelyEfficient
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2021
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My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 342
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/elster000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2021
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Looking at a bottle of Molasses got me thinking...

What do they do with the rest of the mole?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 74
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StimpyMD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 21 2021
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I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.

She took it as a condiment.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 78
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/avandoorslaer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 14 2021
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I’ve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.

He’s a Bordeaux collie

πŸ‘οΈŽ 135
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/acherion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 21 2021
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What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?

Smells like teen spirit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Alain389
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2021
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The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘οΈŽ 404
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 09 2021
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I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...

He replied, "oui shall sΓ­."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 97
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 05 2021
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On my pill bottle it says, "Take I pill daily and keep away from children."

Why!! What happens to children after I've taken my pill ?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 07 2021
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On average how much should you spend on a bottle of wine ?

Oooooh!! About 10 minutes.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 12 2021
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At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."

My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rolls20s
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2021
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Those small packets of ketchup are here because the big bottles didn't know what a condiment.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 28 2021
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so someone threw a bottle of mayo at me, ...

what the hellmann.. .

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/seegerts86
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 09 2021
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My doctor told me to drink two bottles of red wine after a hot bath...

But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The-MEGA-O
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....

Grapeful.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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I can't recycle a broken window with regular glass bottles in my town.

It's a pane.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/peterburk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...

I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cowgod42
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...

I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2021
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Why do they condition hospital I.V. bottles?

Because everyone loves smooth saline!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Melvin-_-_-Marvelous
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2021
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I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...

This is the straw that broke the Camelback

πŸ‘οΈŽ 31
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BassMan2511
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2021
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...

I am now in hospital, waiting to be seen.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 151
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?

Attempted Hummus-ide.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?

"Don't look! I'm dressing!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2020
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My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.

I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ShiverMeeTimberz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2020
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I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?

100%

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2020
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I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.

I love my Christian Heavy Metal.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GerbilSpanker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2020
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I accidentally drank a whole bottle of invisible ink last night

If only you could see me now

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 14 2020
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Why do the British leave out the β€˜t’ in β€˜bottle’?

The tea’s implied

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/InFinnity1203
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2020
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Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SleepyBear1010
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 30 2020
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My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...

That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/chewingthefatchungus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle

I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/psikomanjak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/uglyric
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 27 2019
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I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 15 2020
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Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?

whispers I think it's becoming scentient

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bigshotstorm43
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 26 2020
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I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.

It's left me scratching my head to be honest.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 89
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 06 2020
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I once dated a bottle of lemonade

She really Schwepped me off my feet.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Book800
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 27 2020
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil

πŸ‘οΈŽ 557
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I've trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine

He's a Bordeaux collie

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bob9109
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills

Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil

πŸ‘οΈŽ 66
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules

Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries

πŸ‘οΈŽ 68
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bottle of ranch say when the man opened the fridge door?

"Don't look! I'm dressing!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/emu404
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they condition all of the I.V. bottles at the hospital?

Everyone loves smooth saline!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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