I've infiltrated their ranks, together we can pun-dermine their authority.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 08 2019
You can never "run" through a camp ground.
You can only "ran" because it's past tents.
(Sorry if this has been posted before. I just joined this sub)
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 19 2021
Friend: βBro, can you pass me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 23 2021
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus
but graphing is where I draw the line
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Giraffes can never apologize to each other.
It takes them too long to swallow their pride.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Why can't blind people eat fish ?
π︎ 288
π
︎ May 12 2021
It can also be called mobile crisis units
π︎ 244
π
︎ May 20 2021
What do you call a chameleon that canβt change colors?
π︎ 764
π
︎ May 09 2021
Today is the day I can post it
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Canβt bear this weather anymore
π︎ 700
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know itβs May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! βMay I do something to raise my grade?β
π︎ 442
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?
I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked βcan you see me ok?β
To which they answered βyesβ βouiβ βsiβ βjaβ.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
My brother can't stand people with missing toes
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 22 2021
Thereβs no way anyone can make spaghetti better than my Mom.
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 21 2021
Where you can find flat earthers?
π︎ 161
π
︎ May 01 2021
Iβve got a pen that can write underwaterβ¦
It can write other words too ! π
π︎ 294
π
︎ May 03 2021
Why canβt a nose be 12 inches?
Cuz then it would be a foot
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
I went for an interview. They said, βCan you perform under pressure?β
I said βIβm not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsodyβ
π︎ 75
π
︎ May 17 2021
My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...
I've just sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
π︎ 150
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
A lot of people canβt tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I canβt find the words for how much this bugs me.
π︎ 382
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
Daughter: Dad, can you pause the movie so I can grab a snack.
Dad: (grabs the cats paws and pushes them) Sorry, I'm pushing pause but it's not working!
π︎ 117
π
︎ May 06 2021
Why canβt you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
π︎ 35
π
︎ May 23 2021
Why canβt you do Schrodingerβs experiment on the surface of Mars?
Because Curiosity killed the cat.
π︎ 72
π
︎ May 15 2021
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
π︎ 29
π
︎ May 22 2021
Boss canβt see her employeeβs hard work
π︎ 37
π
︎ May 09 2021
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
π︎ 62
π
︎ May 19 2021
What's the best compliment you can give to singing mountains?
Wow, that's quite a range!
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 19 2021
Who needs a nornal joke when you can have a running joke?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
How can a dog jump higher than a skyscraper?
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 22 2021
Today, my son asked, βCan I have a bookmark?β
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesnβt know my name is Brian.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
I canβt believe itβs not butter!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I can't believe I just dated a german nationalist! But I guess it's obvious, looking back on it
I mean, there were red flags all over the place
π︎ 67
π
︎ May 09 2021
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 14 2021
Sure elevators can be uplifting
But sometimes they just get me down π
π︎ 53
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
Doctor told me my insurance doesn't cover Viagra, but he can prescribe me the generic.....
π︎ 72
π
︎ May 07 2021
I asked Rick Astley if I can borrow his Disney movie collection.
He told me "You can borrow any movie in my collection but I'm never gonna give you Up."
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 09 2021
Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
π︎ 529
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Why can't some Christians be vegan?
They can't seem to stomach seitan.
Might be an old one that someone else's said but it made me chuckle.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 24 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
What's white and can't climb a tree?
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 20 2021
I have a friend named Jack who can talk to vegetables
Jack and the beans talk!!!
π︎ 34
π
︎ May 22 2021
My pen can write underwater
It can also write many other words too
π︎ 43
π
︎ May 24 2021
I have a pen that can write underwater
It can write other words too
π︎ 87
π
︎ May 16 2021
My son can't stand people with missing toes...
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 24 2021
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