The furniture store keeps calling me.

But I only wanted one nightstand

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I keep making covid jokes.

They get a bad reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gw511
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed

To be honest this is pretty demolarizing

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyHandsAreOrange
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?

Gaiters.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did the nut keep his money?

In his cash shoe.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Keep cows well hydrated

Otherwise, they turn into real jerkies.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long

All i said was that i don't give a shit

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lmaobio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you keep water in a hole in the ground until you need it?

Well...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dusk118
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Just keep swimming guys
πŸ‘︎ 323
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The impala was struggling to keep up with the rest of the herd.

She refused to pick up her pace because she was anti-lope.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa keep his coat?

In the Clause-it

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skrugzalicious
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the Earth keep itself clean ?

With a meteor shower

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My company keeps asking me to sign up for a 401k.

There's no way I could run that far.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...

...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't keep grudges. My dad kept grudges....

I hated him for that.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...

... how EYEronic!

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?

Rick O'Shea.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the young, electric train keep up with the old trains?

Because he ran out of steam

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dynamixx98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
People keep telling me to use my energy well...

Does anyone know where I can get a mana pool?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAllBromighty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
It just keeps going
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/21kgold
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark Hives.

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BethJ2018
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market

I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/canyuse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa keep his money?

In the snow bank.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does my motorcycle keep falling asleep?

Because it's two tired

πŸ‘︎ 728
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordTrollsworth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, β€œTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”

It might be farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Castille_92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep complementing my local gas station when training my dog.

Good sit go.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Must....keep....maritime puns....

....at bay!

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You always have to keep your job exciting.

Being a well driller, I often dream I could drill right to the center of the earth.

If I didn't have such a great imagination my job would be just boring.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Just keep digging, just keep digging
πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halabadushkeys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.

β€œSorry, I’m a little behind.”

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying β€œCheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well

πŸ‘︎ 309
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ljpicklefeet20
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.

Doc: lie down on the couch and we’ll discuss this.

Me: I’m not allowed on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.

"That shit is getting old," I told him.

PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps yelling at me for only eating German sausages

I mean, what is the wurst that can happen?

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/regifsasse
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do they keep all the mansplains?

In the β€˜well, actually β€˜βœ¨

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reefer_rat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.

As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you keep someone in suspense?

By doing the following:

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kappro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Hear about that superhero knock-off group that keeps ordering drinks but pour out all the liquid?

Apparently they call themselves the Just Ice League

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KalNymeri
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep asking my flatmate to pay his rent

And he keeps turning sideways to avoid me

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fuqers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Peter keeps saying the same things over again.

So I nicknamed him Re-Peter.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a General keep his Armies?

In his Sleevies!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeachPeachMcgee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
they just keep getting served all the time
πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
People keep telling me to stop putting up walls

So I got real defensive

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Karrathan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa keep his money?

In a snow bank.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boarders0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you keep an idiot in suspense

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ...

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HanzoHasSushi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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