As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said, "Have a good day son."
"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.
As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"
I've got diarrhoea, my dads got diarrhoea and my grandparents have diarrhoea....
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it.”
"Have you got something to drink friend?"
"Water."
"Something harder!!"
"Ice"
What have Snow White and a pimp got in common?
They both have to deal with a lot of high hoes
Have you heard about the chicken that got kicked out because it was too big?
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
My dad got his first dose of vaccine yesterday, so I asked him, “Did you have any reaction?”
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
I asked the Doctor ‘have you got anything for excessive wind?’
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
I have a problem with the mittens I got for Christmas.
They only work inter-mitten-ly.
My wife got mad at me for have sexual affairs with inanimate objects
I told her it was one night stand...
A man named six gave his friends three and five some chocolate bars. Three got 7 chocolate bars and five got eight of them. Three was upset he had less than five did, and five was sad that his friend was sad, so he asked six if three could have another chocolate bar.
He gave one to three for five
Wife: Oh my god why have you got that huge lizard?
Husband: You said we needed a baby monitor!!
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said “do you have a police record, sir?” I said:
I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
Have you got any car related puns ?
What have you got to add to metal to get heavy metal?
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasn’t right. Then by title, but that wasn’t right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldn’t get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
You haven't got kidney stones, have you? Because that would mean urine trouble!
Have you heard about the guy who got in trouble for making a pun at school?
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack...
...because I took a couple of days off.
The other day, I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I opened it up and all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why do cows have strong legs? Cause they got them calves
I got ketchup in my eyes while cooking dinner last night. I should have washed them but
Have you heard about that dialect coach who got bullied by his students?
He took up accents against them today
Have you heard of the guy who got shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it was race related.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
When they run out of ingredients at the Mt. Dew factory they have to make Dew with what they've got.
I have got a magical hoodie
My son saw a sign that said 'please keep children under supervision' and asked "dad, have you got super vision?". I never thought of the word 'supervision' that way before.
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
Got a flat tire on my car today. I should have brought...
Got sent an email at work today saying the printer had broken down and so someone may have to come out to it.
I tried, and it was flattered, but it just wasn't interested in humans.
I have got a black belt in origami
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
I got an email that said "You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details."
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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