Jane Foster will be allowed to wield Mjolnir because she and Thor have an understanding.

They're in a polyhammerous relationship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?

A reddithor.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MathiasSybarit
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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The most recent Game of Thrones episode was too dark and it was hard to see. I just wish some of the undead were wearing heavy armor and wielding swords. Then we'd be able to see just fine.

Because they would be Knight Wights.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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there's weapons

What is it called when someone cuts your weapon wielding limb off?

Disarmament

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefDraws69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals...

...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.

Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.

"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"

"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bittibitti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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PSA: Dad jokes can be as deadly than hunger

Last night, my family came to pick me up from work after the kids' swim lessons. They were tired, hungry, grumpy, hungry, and hungry on the drive home.

My 6 year old: "Ugh... I'm going to die..."

Me: "You're right; we're all going to die. What are you going to die of?"

6yo: "Hunger and your jokes."

Me: "Well, I hope my jokes get you first. That sounds like a better way to go."

You heard it here first, folks. Dad jokes can potentially kill faster than starvation. Wield them carefully.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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The dad in me really wants to make this costume.

My father and I were listening to a morning show on our way to work this morning. One of the radio personalities mentioned the were a legoman for Halloween. Without missing a beat, my father said, "If it were a woman wearing his costume, would she be called a Legolass." Now I find the need to tape together and color some cardboard boxes, get a blonde wig, and wield a bow for Halloween.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshua_P
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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