Me: I replaced the handle on the toilet today!
Teenager: (Sarcastic) And aren't you proud of it?
Me: Flushed with success.
I heard my girlfriend from the kitchen say "Ow!"
I walked in and said "what happened?"
She said pointed to a drawer handle and said "I knee'd this"
I said, "Well, I can get you more"
It makes them easy to Moooo've
edit : thisnisna dad joke. not intended as an actual twitter handle search.
...but I got a new one and I think I handled it well.
They quack under pressure
What an adze!
I had trouble coping.
I think i might have put the BAR too high
When im done i will let out a PSIgh of relief
It kept running through his hands.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
I don't know why.
A brush with death
....opened doors to a lot of opportunities.
The were working at cross porpoises.
His name is Jack
A PT Cruiser
How very un-ladle-like!
They fired me when I lost control.
When the package arrived it was empty. They also charged me twice.....lesson learned.
They’re too cheesy
It was gripping.
I wonder if he's a fan of his predecessor, TwoFac Secure?
I guess you could say he has been dis-koala-fied.
Sorry for the Saab story.
I haven't been sweeping well lately.
The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.
The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The Duke of Dance: help.
Sans: I gotta write these down.
The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit
The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.
Sans: I find this humerus.
The Duke of Dance: damn
The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.
The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.
Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.
The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.
The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.
The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.
The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.
Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?
The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hi... keep reading on reddit ➡
I'm afraid I'll get salmonella
I was at a Yankees vs Royals baseball game. I text my dad to tell him, "They have a promo for tailgating on the jumbotron. They had your blender!" He replies back, "One like mine. I just looked, mine is in the garage."
She really liked it.
I said it was just her cup of tea.
Response: "Gains? Laundry detergent doesn't provide that many benefits, hun."
Don't you know breasts are 50 cents a piece here?
Dad - "Those aren't love handles, those are love seat belts!"
I'm a bit of a fatty....