I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
My diet made me lose my love handles
Now I have no control over my relationship.
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...
When the package came....the box was empty.
My wife said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles...
I said she'll look stupid without any ears 👂
I can’t handle going camping with my friend anymore...
My kids keep playing with my love handles
It's their favorite roll playing game.
If you're a flapjack and you need to go pee you maple the 3rd handle
I replaced the handle on the toilet today!
Me: I replaced the handle on the toilet today!
Teenager: (Sarcastic) And aren't you proud of it?
Me: Flushed with success.
My girlfriend hit her knee on a drawer handle
I heard my girlfriend from the kitchen say "Ow!"
I walked in and said "what happened?"
She said pointed to a drawer handle and said "I knee'd this"
I said, "Well, I can get you more"
Milking stools have a handle
It makes them easy to Moooo've
I cant handle how sharp this is.
Looks like my door couldn't handle it
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight
My son can’t handle my jokes
let me tell you the twitter handle of a horror company out of this world
@mustfear
edit : thisnisna dad joke. not intended as an actual twitter handle search.
Ducks really cannot handle being stressed out
They quack under pressure
My favorite ax handle broke and I was very upset...
...but I got a new one and I think I handled it well.
I was going to tell a joke about bicycle tires, but i couldnt handle the preasure
I think i might have put the BAR too high
When im done i will let out a PSIgh of relief
I used to have a handle on life
I failed shop because I couldn't handle the bow saw used to cut intricate external shapes and interior cut-outs in woodworking
My doctor told me I can't handle the truth
I really don’t have a handle on things right now.
I had my front door replaced with a door entirely made out of chocolate with a ganache handle and caramel accents.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
My friend is always bragging about his woodworking tool like an axe but with the cutting edge perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
I took my son to the bar on his 21st birthday. I found out he couldn’t handle his liquor.
It kept running through his hands.
I don't know if you can HANDle this
What does a lawyer wear in court to handle evidence after dark?
I knew there was something odd about this ball, I just couldn't get a handle on it...
People say I have a drinking problem but it's ok I have a handle on it.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
My back is in pain but I can handle it.
My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine
How do you handle a redhead's temper?
I physic-ally can't handle this joke
Lactose Intolerant people don’t handle some jokes well.....
Guy who designed first handles....
....opened doors to a lot of opportunities.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I bought a self-help book online, called "How to Handle Disappointment".
When the package arrived it was empty. They also charged me twice.....lesson learned.
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