An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.

There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsecks42069
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,

"You've broken your hand."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, β€œDylan, don’t touch”

Natcho-cheese.

I try.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldn’t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why

She said: β€œMy anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed my car

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.

I just can't put my finger on it.

πŸ‘︎ 586
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Button_FC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Why would everything be different without a sense of touch?

Because we wouldn’t know how to feel

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vinyl_Vey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Son: β€œDaddy why is that β€˜do not touch’ sign there?”

Dad: β€œI dunno son, I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krookedsmilez
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to get in touch with my more feminine side

So I crashed the car

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoinMosquito703
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roland_248
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Mom Touch Mom’s Touch
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.

I was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/polkadipolka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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We all have that on relative who breaks everything they touch. Mine is my...

Auntie Matter

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?

An algebraille equation.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamGargamelsCat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 295
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackdaking746
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...

is to buy one ply toilet paper

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/50ShadesOfPalmBay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Just saw a guy touch his cow's udder

how dairy

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-starwing-
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign....

I couldn't put my finger on it....

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCarpetOfBurn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. He lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Since I moved to a plant based diet I lost touch with the fun guys.

Mushroom is not a plant

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Something's wrong with my touch screen.

I can’t put my finger on it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fermentus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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The guy who created the sign "Caution Do Not Touch" in braille,

is an evil genius.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.

At least he’s an ok broomer.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CobaltD70
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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My daughter had to stick her hand in a sack to try to guess the type of material by touch...

It was felt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A genie granted me one wish. I wanted to be rich, but didn't want to deal with the IRS and decided I wanted wealth as I needed it. So I wished for the touch of Midas.

After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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Somebody touch a my spaghett
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingRedJelly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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Call me a thermostat because only my dad's allowed to touch me
πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/el_STiiNG
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Quick health warning: You can’t touch this.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why should you never touch an electric fence

Because it hertz.

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Uh...... Do I need to wash my eyes if I touch them
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addicted2Cornhole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Blonde: "Doctor, I have pain all over my body. Everywhere I touch hurts".

Doctor: "Your finger is broken".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands

Does it make it ambitextrous?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesterian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'd you ever need to get in touch with a bike company

Ask for the spokesman

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
"Don't touch" has to be one of the most terrifying things to read in Braille
πŸ‘︎ 562
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coleslaw840
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œDon’t touch the blackberry cobbler in the kitchen!”

But that little man continued to make his little stupid berry shoes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a 737-800 sound like when it bounces during touch down?

β€œBoeing, Boeing, Boeing”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I got in touch with my inner self today

Thats the last time I'm using one ply toiletpaper

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nahanotme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Please don't touch my new tattoo. It's a little bit-saw.
πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliobot
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter absolutely cannot stand it when her toes touch the top of her shoes!!

She is very clostra-toe-bic.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad11ama
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't touch them

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN they get VERY ANGRY.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralphy_s
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I got in touch with my inner self today

That’s the last time I’m buying cheap toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stuttgarten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moony-7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swirley-wirley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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