A tsunderriere.
"You've broken your hand."
And then I paid the chiropractor
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
“Boeing, Boeing, Boeing”
She is very clostra-toe-bic.
Because as every dad knows you don't touch the Thermos tat
This is because Windows no longer supports Flash...
A PDF file.
Your breath
Oh wait... I'm holding it.
A father wanted to prove that he's not just some boring house Dad so he went and got his first tattoo. When he got home he excitedly showed it off to his wife and kids. "Oh, cool! It's.. uhh?" his wife asked. "It's my thermos! From work!" he replied proudly. His daughter starts to reach out towards him and says, "Well, uh, the line work is certainly.." Dad slaps her hand away and says, "Don't touch the thermos tat!"
I haven't touched it in years.
He was a real tan gent.
On the other hand i am ok
Because every time they touch the remote they paws it
...since he is a megastar with lots of clout, Buckingham Palace agrees and a few days later he gets his meeting with her.
"Your Majesty, a couple of months ago you ennobled an eye scientist for his contributions to ophthalmology," said Cristiano. "I saw it on TV and was touched by his story, how he grew up in poverty but eventually became this great and learned man. He reminds me of myself a bit, how I grew up poor but managed to become a great footballer."
"So," says Cristiano, "I decided to write a play about him, all about the study of eyes and how they work as well as the scientist's life story. I have brought the manuscript to you, so that you can deliver it to him in person."
Cristiano hands the Queen the manuscript that he is carrying. The Queen squints at his handwriting on the front page of the manuscript..."I'm going a little blind," she says, "please could you tell me what it says here?"
Cristiano replies, "Eye Play for Man You Knighted."
"Yes I know that, you idiot," replies the Queen.
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
You just have to have a feel for it.
He's counter-intuitive
This is as close as I could get.
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
4 Nuns have sinned and are meeting with a priest for forgiveness. Priest asks first nun what she had done, she says I touched a man with my left hand. Piest says wash your hand in this holy water and you'll be cleansed. Priest asks second nun what she had done. Nun says I touched a man with my right hand. Priest says wash your hand in this holy water and you'll be cleansed. Fourth Nun asks third Nun if she could go next. Third Nun says of course but why sister. Fourth Nun says, well sister I know you have to sit in that water and I have to drink it..
A man wakes up feeling confused, disorientated and groggy. As his eyes begin to focus he realises that he is in a hospital bed and there is a man leaning over him looking concerned. “Oh good, you’re awake, it was touch and go for a while there. Pleased to see you back with us. Do you mind if I ask you some questions, just some routine stuff? Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?” The guy nods and focuses on the doctor, takes a deep breath. “Err, th- er, thirteen??!?” “Correct, you’ve been in a terrible accident, three of these are yours.”
I couldn't put my finger on it....
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Me: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."
...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.
Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.
A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.
With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, “Thank you.”
As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...
“Thank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”
It can't touch this.
Fun fact, if you take a potato, cut it in half, stick electrodes in each half and bring them close together but not quite touching, then you’ve made a capacitater!
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he has to touch it to be sure.
When the dr touches your nuts it’s strictly business.
A PDF File
A PDF file .
A PDF file
Needless to say, I'm ex-static...
Her: oh, cool! What is it?
Me: Its my thermos, from work!
Her: Oh, well um, the line work is really...
Me: Don't touch the thermos-tat!
